15.13 Destiny's Child (transcript)
Directed by: Amyn KaderaliAir Date: March 23, 2020
[clips from 6.10, Caged Heat]
CASTIEL: If the pizza man truly loves this babysitter... why does he keep slapping her rear?
CASTIEL: I learned that from the pizza man.
[Clip from 4.01]
RUBY: So, where is it?
DEAN: Where's what?
RUBY: The pizza.
[Clips of Dean eating pizza throughout the series]
DEAN: Alright. I'm done.
[clip from 15.11, Jack's return]
CASTIEL: Billie kept him hidden in the Empty until Chuck went off world.
BILLIE: It's time.
SAM: Jack still doesn't have a soul.
JACK: If I do exactly what she says, if I follow her plan, I'll get stronger and I'll be able to kill God.
[Clips from 15.12, Chuck in Radio Shed watching tv]
BILLIE: They're all dying. Each and every world.
CASTIEL: It's Chuck.
BILLIE: Mm-hmm. He's been a busy boy. Wiping the slate clean -- for the end. This is your destiny. You are the messengers of God's destruction.
[in the bunker library, Sam and Dean research]
SAM: Any sign of him?
DEAN: No, nothing yet. Chuck's probably trashing a few dozen universes outside of CNN's range.
[Sam sighs, and then is startled by a strange noise somewhere else in the bunker. He and Dean rush to investigate the source of the sounds, and find it inside Room 28... they find a glowing rift and stare dumbstruck as strangely attired copies of themselves climb slowly out of a Fiat 500 as Savage Garden's "I Want You" plays ]
♪ Anytime I need to see your face, I just close my eyes ♪ ♪ And I am taken to a place ♪ ♪ Where your crystal mind and magenta feelings ♪ ♪ Take up shelter in the base of my spine ♪ ♪ Sweet like a chica cherry cola ♪ ♪ I don't need to try to explain, I just hold on tight ♪ ♪ And if it happens again, I may move so slightly ♪ ♪ To the arms and the lips and the face ♪ ♪ Of the human cannonball that ♪ ♪ I need to, I want to ♪ ♪ Come stand a little bit closer ♪
ALT!SAM: Bro. We did it.
♪ Breathe in and get a bit higher ♪ ♪ You'll never know what hit you when ♪ ♪ I get to you ♪
SAM: Dean? ALT!DEAN: Sam?
DEAN: Sam? ALT!SAM: Dean?
DEAN AND SAM: What the Hell? ALT!DEAN AND ALT!SAM: What the Heck?
♪ Ooh, I'd die to find out ♪ ♪ Ooh, I want you, I don't know if I need you but ♪
[They all stare in shock at one another, as the rift flickers]
ALT!DEAN: Aw, nuts.
[The rift flares to life, and sucks Alt!Sam and Dean and their car back through, out of the bunker, leaving Sam and Dean wondering what just happened]
[in the war room, Dean and Sam struggle to explain what happened to Cas]
SAM: So, this rift is open in the middle of the armory, and the-- and these two guys climb out of a car, and they look just like us...
DEAN: Except not, and don't even get me started about the car.
CASTIEL: Okay, I am not understanding.
DEAN: Yeah, well, welcome to the club.
SAM: It's like they were us, but I guess from another world?
DEAN: But how did they get here?
BILLIE: They were running. Because God was destroying their reality. He's almost done wrapping up those other worlds. And when he is...
SAM: It's our turn?
BILLIE: Looks like. So we need to be prepared. I have the next step. For Jack.
[Jack comes in, eating a sandwich]
JACK: I'm ready. Feeling, um, good about it.
BILLIE: The first quest was meant to strengthen Jack's body. Step two is more spiritual in nature.
CASTIEL: Can you be more specific?
BILLIE: Jack needs to find the Occultum.
SAM: The Occultum? Occultum, that's, uh, Latin for "hidden." Where do we find it?
BILLIE: I don't know, it's hidden. Missing for centuries. Sacred, potent.
DEAN: Is it a weapon? Uh, how does it work?
BILLIE: Not a weapon per se. But it's powerful.
DEAN: Okay. Thanks. Big help.
BILLIE: So, are you ready? Truly?
JACK: I am.
BILLIE: Good to hear. Because we need to be ready and vigilant... and not stupid. God -- if he catches on to what we're doing, everything comes crashing down.
[in the library, Sam pores through books while Dean meditates on the stretchiness of a rubber band]
SAM: The Occultum -- [Scoffs] there's barely even a mention of this thing. And nothing on where to find it.
SAM: And what's this thing supposed to even do? It's "spiritual"? What does that even mean? Dean? [Sam raps on the table when Dean doesn't reply] Dean.
SAM: What are you doing?
DEAN: I'm just thinking. I mean, this whole thing is crazy, right? I mean, uh, Death is our Obi-Wan, and you and me, we're the -- the "messengers of God's destruction --" whatever the Hell that means -- and Jack is supposed to kill God. But if he does... that still leaves you know who.
DEAN: So I'm thinking maybe he kills her, too.
DEAN: Seriously. 'Cause listen, if we just take Chuck off the board, that still leaves her, okay? That throws things out of balance, and if things are out of balance, then the world pretty much -- [Blows raspberry]
SAM: Yeah, ends. Right.
DEAN: But if Jack kills her... Kind of a family plan. Then there's no God, there's no Darkness. Nothing out of balance. World saved.
SAM: Okay, yeah, but then who takes over? Uh, Jack?
[Jack enters, chewing gum. He blows a bubble and pops it, grinning proudly]
JACK: I just learned how to do that.
DEAN: Probably not.
SAM: Jack, listen, uh, about Billie's plan, uh, she hasn't been real specific on the details.
DEAN: Yeah, when you -- when you go up against Chuck, uh, you're gonna what, bob and weave? Or do you go straight in for the full smite?
JACK: Yeah, you know, um, something like that.
[Castiel enters, talking on the phone}
CASTIEL: Okay, yeah. Fine. I owe you. [he disconnects the call] Well, I have information on the Occultum from the shaman Sergei.
DEAN: Him? Are we that desperate?
CASTIEL: I think so.
SAM: So, what did he say?
CASTIEL: The Occultum is divine in its origin. It was housed for hundreds of years in an ancient temple before it was --
DEAN: Plundered by pirates.
DEAN: It was dug up by tomb raiders.
DEAN: It was seized by the King of the Dead and his warlords. Am I close?
CASTIEL: Looted by invading Mongol hordes for trade on the --
DEAN: Black market. Yeah, that's what -- I was gonna say that next. That was the next one.
SAM: Yeah. [Clears throat] So, uh, where is it now?
CASTIEL: Until a few years ago, it was owned by the Jacobson family, until Hyram Jacobson's son fell gravely ill. And he was told nothing could be done. And in desperation, he turned to a faith healer. She saved the child, but she would only accept the Occultum in payment.
DEAN: Do we have a name?
CASTIEL: No, just a description. She was attractive. And she healed the child by laying on hands. Which glowed.
[Ominous music plays as they all realize who it must be]
[At Sister Jo's healing center, she's counting her money when Sam and Dean arrive]
SISTER JO: Sam and Dean. You just keep turning up. My two bad pennies.
SAM: Looks like, uh, business is still good.
SISTER JO: Well, the healthcare system sucks, so I pick up the slack.
DEAN: Making house calls?
SISTER JO: Sorry?
DEAN: Oh, maybe Hyram Jacobson recommended you to a few of his rich friends. I mean, one gazillionaire trumps a hundred sad sacks in a Kiwanis hall, am I right?
SISTER JO: Well, I really can't talk about that. Patient confidentiality.
SAM: Right. Of course. Sure. In that case, uh, why don't you tell us about the Occultum?
SISTER JO: What about it?
DEAN: We need it.
SISTER JO: Why?
SAM: To kill God.
SISTER JO: Hmm.
DEAN: Turns out that Hail Mary that you and Cas tried, it worked. God's back, he's pissed, and he's gonna murder the world.
SAM: Unless we stop him.
SISTER JO: So you want me to be on your side... against God.
DEAN: I mean, we are better-looking.
SISTER JO: No. I'm not going to make God my enemy, because he's God.
[Sam and Dean pull out angel blades and make their way toward Sister Jo]
SAM: Well... you don't have a choice.
SISTER JO: You wouldn't.
DEAN: Try us.
SISTER JO: I don't have it.
SAM: Then who does?
SISTER JO: An old friend of yours... Ruby.
SAM: Wait a second. Why would you give it to her?
SISTER JO: It's a long story. I was on the road near Topeka... Long days of providing relief to the weak and weary. Alone, yet warmed by the comfort I provided. When she found me.
[Flashback to Sister Jo's meeting with Ruby]
RUBY: Hey. Anything you want to tell me, Jo?
SISTER JO: Nice vessel. Suits you better than the blonde.
SAM: Wait a minute. You were friends?
SISTER JO: Oh, God, no. I mean, sometimes we'd pool our talents, run a job together if the opportunity presented itself.
RUBY: You've been holding out on me.
SISTER JO: Ruby, I respect our arrangement. Do I butt in when some sap wants his soul back and you agree to return it for a tidy fee?
RUBY: And I'm good with your little bleeding-heart sideshow, but I'm talking way bigger than you usual take. The Occultum. You've got it. And I can get you a buyer... for a taste.
SISTER JO: And why would I agree to that?
RUBY: Money. Do you have any idea how much that thing's worth? Millions. Now, tell me that doesn't appeal to your label-whore heart.
DEAN: And then?
SISTER JO: I gave it to her. She said she had hid it, until she contacted the buyer. Which she never did because, well, you...
[Sister Jo clicks her tongue and mimes stabbing, and we flash back to Dean stabbing Ruby in 4.22]
SAM: Okay, so where is it now?
SISTER JO: Stashed. By her. In Hell.
[in the bunker kitchen, Jack indulges in an array of fast foods]
CASTIEL: Hey, Jack.
JACK: Cas, you know what's good about being dead?
CASTIEL: Uh, as I recall, very little.
JACK: Well, when you come back, you -- you really get into all that life is. Hot, cold, sweet, spicy, funny, scary.
CASTIEL: And are you? "Into it"?
JACK: I want to be. But I don't... feel things the way I used to. Before I lost my...
CASTIEL: Your soul.
JACK: I used to feel things. In my bones. It was glorious, and sometimes unbearable. But I felt them. Now, I understand joy or sadness, but... I know those things aren't in me. I understand why Sam and Dean were angered by what happened to Mary...
CASTIEL: By what you did to Mary.
JACK: Yes. I see that I've caused them pain. And it's clear that things have changed. Especially with -- with Dean. Will he ever forgive me?
CASTIEL: You know, Dean, he -- he feels things more acutely than any human I've ever known. So it's possible he could work through this. One day, he may explode and let it all out and breathe deeply and move on.
JACK: How long will that take?
CASTIEL: I don't know.
[The door to the bunker opens and closes, and Sam and Dean come down the stairs]
DEAN: You sure you can swing this again?
SAM: Well, we have Rowena's notes for the spell so...
DEAN: Okay, "Samwitch."
[Sam scoffs as Cas enters the war room]
DEAN: Let's do this. Cas, hey, good news. We sorta know where the Occultum is. Sorta. What? What's wrong?
CASTIEL: Come with me.
[Cas leads them back to Room 28 from the cold open, and we find Alt!Sam and Dean stuck in a wall like holograms, playing Rochambeau]
DEAN: Cas, what are we doing? Whoa. What the Hell?
CASTIEL: They can't see us or hear us.
SAM: What happened? Where are they?
CASTIEL: I don't know. I -- I think, if Chuck tried to destroy them as their world's rift was closing, it's [Sighs] theoretically possible that the blast could've trapped them between dimensions. I mean, they're... they're here and yet not.
DEAN: Are they in pain?
CASTIEL: I don't think so.
[Dean starts to leave, but Sam stops him]
SAM: Wait. Well, hold up, Dean. You -- Will...
DEAN: We'll handle it, okay? We'll deal with them, but right now, you and me, we got to go to Hell.
CASTIEL: Whoa. You do?
SAM: Jo said that's where Ruby stashed the Occultum.
CASTIEL: Ruby? The demon you were sexually intimate with?
DEAN: "Sexually intimate"?
CASTIEL: And you trust Jo now?
DEAN: Well, Jo did help you out.
CASTIEL: Yes, but Hell is a big place. You could be searching forever. We need more information, Dean.
DEAN: From who?
CASTIEL: What about Ruby?
DEAN: Ruby's dead, Cas. We have to work with what we have. So we'll go to Hell, you stay topside and keep that spell alive so we get back, alright?
[Sam and Dean arrive in Hell]
DEAN: Alright, next time we fly Air Abracadabra, we're upgrading to first class. I can't take the jet lag.
SAM: Where do we start?
[a random demon walks up to them in the corridor]
DEAN: Hey. Hi.
DEMON: You shouldn't be here.
SAM: Yeah -- we know.
DEAN: We're, uh -- We're looking for your boss, Rowena.
DEMON: She's hosting a reception. For newly condemned souls. Because that's a thing we do now.
DEAN: Oh. Alright. But you could take us to her, right?
[in the bunker library, Cas monitors the spell bowl and Jack comes in to check on him]
JACK: So? They made it? Sam and Dean are in Hell?
CASTIEL: But there are just so many holes in Jo's story. Who was Ruby gonna sell the Occultum to? Why didn't Jo try to get it back?
JACK: So you think she's lying.
CASTIEL: I think we need to ask Ruby.
JACK: Who's dead.
CASTIEL: Yeah. In the Empty. I need your assistance.
JACK: Uh, sure. Anything.
CASTIEL: I need you to kill me. Almost.
JACK: Can someone be almost dead?
[Cas rummages in a file drawer and brings out a flask]
CASTIEL: Well, in theory... Aha. ...if I'm brought to death's brink, I should be able to put one foot in the afterlife and contact Ruby.
JACK: Cas, the Empty doesn't exactly like you, remember?
CASTIEL: Yeah, I do. But our deal -- I'm far from happy, so I should be fine. I need you draw out most of my life force, store it in here, and then keep a close watch. If it seems like I'm --
JACK: Really dying, not almost dying?
CASTIEL: Then bring me back.
JACK: Cas, I-I may not have a soul, but, uh, I know killing you is wrong. What if I screw up?
CASTIEL: Well, then I'll be lost forever. But I think you'll do fine. Oh, um, you need to feed the spell bowl to keep the rift open for Sam and Dean, or they'll be lost forever. Let's do it.
JACK: Are you sure?
CASTIEL: Not at all. Give me one hour. Then bring me back.
[Jack opens the flask, lays his hand on Cas's forehead and extracts his life force into the flask. The light goes out of Cas's eyes and he slumps over, mostly dead. Jack seals up the flask and looks torn.]
[In Hell, Sam and Dean continue to follow the demon]
DEMON: This way, guys.
SAM: Is it just me, or is this feeling like...
DEAN: A trap.
[two other demons join the first, and prepare to fight. Dean kills one, Sam gains the upper hand on another by trapping him in a choke hold, while Dean kills the third. Sam interrogates the demon he's captured]
SAM: Why you trying to kill us?
DEMON: Because she told us to.
DEAN: Who? Rowena?
DEMON: Jo. She said if we helped her, [Gags] she'd bust us out of Hell.
SAM: NAnd why'd she want us dead?
DEMON: Ask her yourself.
[Sam kills the demon]
DEAN: That bitch set us up.
[in Sister Jo's healing ministry, she burns her advertising pamphlets and packs up her banner when a man with an injured leg comes in]
MAN: Sister Jo. You're still here. Maybe you can help...
SISTER JO: No Sister Jo here. Heard she retired. Florida. But here's some free advice -- don't make friends. They always ask too much of you.
[she finishes packing and leaves]
[in the Empty, Cas arrives and begins exploring the darkness]
CASTIEL: Ruby? Ruby? Can you hear me? Ruby. Ruby! Ruby, can you hear me? Ruby, can you hear me?
MEG: Hello, Clarence.
[she's seated in an ornate chair with a glass of wine. Cas is oddly relieved to see her until...]
THE ENTITY: Oh, not so much.
CASTIEL: You're the Empty.
THE ENTITY: You always were quick. Apparently, you want to see Ruby, so I went with a demon theme.
CASTIEL: Where can I find her?
THE ENTITY: What does this look like, a singles bar?
CASTIEL: This is not a social call. I am here fulfilling a request ordered by Death herself. And I understand that you and she are working together.
THE ENTITY: Oh, yeah, we're besties. But that doesn't mean I'm gonna help little ol' you.
CASTIEL: Oh, yes, it does.
THE ENTITY: Ugh. You're no fun. Go get her, Pizza Man.
[The Entity gestures over her shoulder, where a glowing ball of light grows and finally resolves into Ruby]
RUBY: Where am I?
CASTIEL: You're dead.
RUBY: I remember. Are you dead?
RUBY: Oh. Lucky you.
CASTIEL: Ruby, I woke you up because I'm looking for an object known as the Occultum, and the angel Jo said you hid it somewhere in Hell.
RUBY: Oh, did she? Wow, that is so like her. Don't you think it's a little obvious for a demon to be hiding something in Hell?
CASTIEL: I don't know. Sam and Dean, they're searching there now.
RUBY: Oh, Sam. How is the big lug? I liked him. We had a good thing until he killed me.
CASTIEL: Listen, I don't have a lot of time. Could we possibly just -- W-When you went to Jo about the Occultum --
RUBY: When I went to see her?
[Flashback to a different version of the story of their meeting that Jo told them earlier]
RUBY: She called me.
[in the flashback]
RUBY: Is this a trap? 'Cause I will mess you up.
SISTER JO: Wow. That's how much you trust me. Girlfriend --
RUBY: I'm not your girlfriend. What do you want?
SISTER JO: Here's the deal. Lucifer and Michael are circling each other; there's gonna be a showdown. And I know you think you're in solid with Lucifer, but we both know if those two go at it, it's Apocalypse time, and nothing will be left standing.
SISTER JO: And maybe things go your way. But maybe they go Heaven's, and if they do, everyone will need a Plan B. Look, you and I work well together when we have to. You are a powerful demon, and I am a good businesswoman. When the smoke clears, there'll be a new world order. We can make that work for us.
RUBY: You said we'd all be dead.
SISTER JO: We don't have to be. Not if we ride it out in the safest place that exists.
RUBY: I'm not following.
SISTER JO: The Occultum.
[back in the Empty]
CASTIEL: The Occultum is a place?
RUBY: A place... a thing... Whatever you want to call it, it's powerful. Jo and I cut a deal, and I stashed it. I can tell you the location. And it's not in Hell.
CASTIEL: Does Jo know where it is? Because she might try to --
RUBY: No. [ Scoffs ] That girl really can't be trusted, but you can trust me if...
CASTIEL: If what?
RUBY: I'll help you on one condition. That you get me the Hell out of here.
[back in the bunker library, the spell bowl flares to life and Sam and Dean reappear in bursts of blue flames. They see Cas slumped in the chair and look tok Jack in alarm]
JACK: Guys. You're back.
DEAN: Jack? What the Hell?
[in the Empty]
RUBY: Why do they call this place the Empty? This place is full. It's full of sorrow and despair playing over and over again, of angels and demons dreaming about their regrets. Forever.
CASTIEL: Yeah, I know.
[in the bunker library]
JACK: He's dead. Kind of. For now.
[in the Empty]
RUBY: You're clearly connected, Castiel. Just try.
CASTIEL: Okay, I'll try.
RUBY: The Occultum, it's...
[Ruby steps in close to quietly tell Cas the location, while meanwhile in the bunker library]
JACK: Cas went to the Empty. Hopefully. To find Ruby, hopefully, to find out where this Occultum thing is located. Hopefully.
SAM: That's way too many "hopefully's."
DEAN: Bring him back now!
[in the Empty, Ruby has disappeared back into the darkness, and Cas is confronted again by the Entity[
THE ENTITY: Yo, Clarence. You got what you wanted. Now what? You think you're gonna just flit on home?
CASTIEL: Yes, because we have a deal.
THE ENTITY: I know we have a deal, Feathers.
[in the bunker, Jack begins to revive Cas, while in the Empty, the Entity tortures him, unwilling to let him go free]
THE ENTITY: You're not dead, yet. But for the time you're here, I can make you wish you were.
CASTIEL: You can't hurt me. Jack said we're on the same side. Against Chuck.
THE ENTITY: I'm on Death's side.
DEAN: Come on, wake up, pal.
THE ENTITY: When her plan works, I finally get to go back to sleep.
CASTIEL: That's what she promised? She can do that?
DEAN: Come on, Cas. Come on.
THE ENTITY: Funny thing about her plan, though... she didn't say anything about needing you. Baby, you can't just traipse in and out of here. It upsets the order of things.
THE ENTITY: Chardonnay, Clarence? Oh, you're probably not in the mood.
[The Entity continues to torture Cas, as Jack finishes returning his life force, until he disappears from the Empty and wakes up coughing in the library]
THE ENTITY: See you soon.
[Everyone looks relieved back in the library as Cas struggles to catch his breath]
CASTIEL: Oh. You made it back.
DEAN: Yeah. And so did you. You're an idiot, by the way.
SAM: What if this hadn't worked?
CASTIEL: But it did. The Occultum was never in Hell.
SAM: Yeah, we get that.
CASTIEL: The Occultum is apparently the safest place in the world. Jo was never gonna give that up.
DEAN: It's a "place"? So you saw Ruby.
CASTIEL: And I got the location. Am I still an idiot?
DEAN: Well, yeah.
SAM: Let's go, then.
JACK: Wait. What if Chuck checks in on us and sees what we're doing. Isn't it pretty much over?
SAM: Yeah, it would be.
DEAN: Uh... I have a dumb idea.
[Dean leads them back to Room 28, where Alt!Them are still trapped in the wall]
DEAN: If Chuck comes back and checks in on us, he's gonna look for us here in the bunker.
SAM: We don't know that.
DEAN: Well, we don't know that. So Chuck would need to see us here in the bunker.
CASTIEL: Wait. So you want them to be you?
DEAN: Well, it's not that hard. Me and Sam do it every day. So I'm thinking we open up a rift with a spell, kind of like we did with Apocalypse World. But we don't need archangel juice 'cause we're just trying to get them out of this in-between. I'm thinking Cas' grace would be enough.
SAM: Or it'll blast them away to another world.
DEAN: Maybe. But it's better than leaving them here.
[Sam prepares the spell, and they cast it]
SAM: Koth. Munto. Nuntox.
[a bright light flashes, and Alt!Sam and Dean appear. They're... pretentious gits...]
SAM: So, uh, back home, you're -- you're Hunters?
ALT!SAM: We were Hunters.
ALT!DEAN: The family business. But our world's probably gone. We made it out just before the explosion.
DEAN: That's God.
SAM: Yeah. You're gonna need another beer.
ALT!DEAN: We actually don't drink much of this stuff.
ALT!SAM: Dad won't keep it in the house. He only likes his "private-label Scotch." He spoils us.
SAM: Wait, your dad is... still around?
DEAN: And he "spoils" you?
ALT!SAM: Well, he did. We don't know where he is now. Uh, we all went through the rift together, but, uh, guess we got separated.
ALT!DEAN: Mm. To Dad.
ALT!SAM: Best guy ever.
[they raise their bottles of beer and clink them together. They drink, and put their bottles down after making stinky faces at the beer.]
ALT!SAM: So, this is where you live.
SAM: Yeah, yeah.
ALT!SAM: And this is where your Hunting operation is based?
SAM: Uh, I mean, [Scoffs] it's not really much of an operation.
DEAN: No, no, no. No, no, we -- we -- we do just fine. We, uh -- [chuckles] We hunt monsters all over the country.
ALT!DEAN: It's exhausting, isn't it?
ALT!DEAN: But we -- we do it worldwide. We have to keep two sets of pilots on standby.
SAM: You guys have your own plane?
ALT!SAM: You don't? Oh, dear. How do you manage?
SAM: How do you afford it?
ALT!DEAN: We get paid. For Hunting monsters.
DEAN: You what?
ALT!SAM: Yes. HunterCorp does very well.
ALT!DEAN: Yeah. Well, got to hand it to the old man, huh? Pretty much built up an entire empire from scratch.
ALT!SAM: To Dad.
ALT!DEAN: Smartest guy ever.
[they toast and drink again]
ALT!DEAN: Hmm. Alright. Uh, well, look, fellas, thanks again for the, uh -- for the rescue.
DEAN: Oh, uh, glad you brought that up. See, we got ourselves a bit of a situation here.
DEAN: God smashed your world like we said and...
SAM: And now he's gonna take out this one.
DEAN: And we're gonna stop him.
SAM: But he may be checking in on us here.
ALT!SAM: Wait. God "checks in" on you?
DEAN: Yeah. Uh, we kind of have a... relationship. So if he decides to look in on us, we don't want him to know what we're doing. So you two are gonna be here, pretending to be us.
ALT!DEAN: And how do we do that?
SAM: Well, first off, I'm sorry, you're gonna have to lose the man bun.
[Alt!Sam and Dean are mortified at the suggestion.]
ALT!SAM: I will not.
DEAN: Right. Uh, and then, uh...
[Dean clicks his tongue as he regards the posh way Alt!Dean is dressed and tugs at the collar of his own shirt to indicate a wardrobe change is in order. Alt!Dean looks less than enthused.]
[The Impala drives down a dark road late at night to an isolated church, where Dean, Sam, Cas, and Jack get out and begin searching for the Occultem]
DEAN: This the place? You sure?
CASTIEL: Ruby was very specific.
DEAN: Yeah, well, so was Jo.
JACK: Guys, I-I know I haven't been doing this as long as you, but doesn't this seem a little easy?
[Dean tries the door, but it's locked. From out in the darkness, they hear something growling]
SAM: You hear something?
[the growling becomes snarling]
JACK: Is that a...bear?
SAM: No. It's more like a...
[the hellhounds start barking and closing in on them while Dean frantically tries to pick the lock]
SAM: Dean. Dean, you want to hurry a little bit?
[Dean gets the door open and they pile into the church as the hounds attack]
SAM: Go, go, go!
[inside the church, Sam barricades the door while Jack, Cas, and Dean search for the Occultem and hellhounds try to force their way inside]
DEAN: You got it?
SAM: [Straining] Yeah.
DEAN: Guess Ruby forgot to mention the freakin' Hellhounds.
CASTIEL: Yeah, it would seem.
[Sam chains the door handles together with handcuffs]
JACK: Where are we supposed to look?
CASTIEL: She said the "top of the cross" would point the way.
[Dean shines his flashlight at the cross mounted above the altar]
DEAN: What's it supposed to be pointing to?
SAM: Guys! Could you maybe move it along?!
[Sam struggles to hold the doors closed, just as the full moon appears from behind the clouds, lighting up the cross on the church's steeple, but also a stained glass cross window that reflects an image of the cross onto the floor. Jack points it out.]
JACK: Dean, Cas.
CASTIEL: The top of the cross... it's right there.
SAM: Guys! I can't hold 'em forever!
[Dean pries up the floorboard and pulls out a pouch containing a small golden orb. He hands it to Cas, who inspects it.]
DEAN: The Hell is that? Is that a map?
CASTIEL: Maybe it's a key. It's a passage in Enochian. It says, um, loosely translated, "In order to be in the Occultum, the Occultum must be in you."
[in the bunker war room, Alt!Sam and Dean have donned Hunter Flannel. Sam watches a cat video and Dean brings in beer, but Alt!Sam still has his man bun]
ALT!DEAN: They said lose the man bun, Samuel.
ALT!SAM: Look, hillbilly clothes are bad enough. I have to draw the line somewhere, and my hair... is sacred. So, what do we do now?
ALT!DEAN: This is it. They said be authentic, drink beer in front of a computer screen.
ALT!SAM: That's their lives?
ALT!SAM: [takes a sip of beer and reacts with disgust] Oh, my God.
ALT!DEAN: You get used to it.
ALT!SAM: [ Scoffs ]
ALT!DEAN: [finds Busty Asian Beauties dot com] Whoa!
VOICE ON COMPUTER: Hey, there, big boy.
ALT!DEAN: [Chuckles and turns the computer to show Sam] Check this out. And there's like a ton of these files in here.
VOICE ON COMPUTER: Press my button to enter me.
ALT!SAM: Can you imagine if Dad caught us with that kind of stuff? Goodbye, trust funds.
[Sam clears his throat and looks uncomfortable]
VOICE ON COMPUTER: Wanna chat?
ALT!DEAN: I got to tell you, Sammy, this Sam and Dean, you know, sure they're simple, but they've got this place of their own. There's no quarterly reports, there's no investor calls, there's just -- there's nothing to do but hunt monsters, drink beer, and watch porn.
VOICE ON COMPUTER: Hey, there, big boy.
ALT!DEAN: They've got it made.
[Meanwhile, back at the church, Jack inspects the Occultem while Dean and Cas debate what to do, and Sam struggles to hold off the Hellhounds]
DEAN: Guys, I don't like it, alright? I mean, first Jo sets us up with the -- with killer demons, and now Ruby sends us to a place with Hellhounds? These chicks want us dead. I don't trust any part of this. [he turns to Jack] Where's the thing?
JACK: Um, I ate it.
DEAN: You what?
JACK: Well, it said it had to be in me, so --
DEAN: No! Spit it out.
JACK: It's fine. Okay? Nothing's happening.
[Jack doubles over in pain, clutching his stomach]
[Jack groans and is swallowed up by a bright light and disappears]
[Jack awakens in a peaceful garden and meets a young girl]
THE GIRL: You must not be human. Humans may not enter here. Are you an angel?
JACK: Um, it's a long story. Why do humans have to stay out?
THE GIRL: This is the Garden. Man's beginning.
JACK: You mean...Eden. Like Adam and Eve?
THE GIRL: God loved them so. His prize creations, until he banished them and all of mankind from the perfection of the Garden. And he hid it away.
JACK: I was told this place might change me somehow.
THE GIRL: Perhaps. If you were the one meant to find it. You'll know soon enough.
[The Girl leaves, and back at the church, Dean and Cas argue while Hellhounds continue to batter the door]
DEAN: What do you mean if Jack comes back?
CASTIEL: I don't know what's happening here. I-I had no idea this was gonna involve ingesting some magic sphere and then disappearing, Dean.
[In the Garden, a snake approaches Jack]
SNAKE: Who are you, really? Who are you meant to be?
[Jack falls to the ground, and experiences a series of disturbing flashbacks]
DEAN: Alright. So, what do you want to do next? Alright.
KELLY: Jack, what's wrong?
LUCIFER: There's no going back. You realize that now.
MARY: Listen to me!
JACK: Leave me alone!
LUCIFER: They're never gonna trust you again.
[Jack wakes up in the garden, weeping, and is returned to the church in a ball of light that explodes and blasts away the hellhounds]
DEAN: The Hell?
DEAN: Jack? Hey. You okay?
[in the war room, Dean escorts Alt!Sam and Dean out of the bunker]
DEAN: Alright, fellas. Well, thanks for your help. Now it's, uh, time to go.
ALT!DEAN: You know, we, uh -- we could just all live here together.
ALT!SAM: Like a club.
DEAN: That would just be weird.
ALT!DEAN: It wouldn't be so weird.
DEAN: Trust me, where you want to be is Brazil, okay? It's far away, and there's nothing but beaches, babes, carnival.
ALT!DEAN: Oh, uh, you think we could keep the flannel shirts?
DEAN: No. Okay.
[Dean makes a dismissive motion with his hands and rolls his eyes]
ALT!DEAN: Oh, uh, when we were looking around, we, uh -- we saw it.
ALT!DEAN: The car.
DEAN: You didn't touch it.
ALT!SAM: Oh. [ Chuckles ] We drove in it.
DEAN: I'm sorry, you what?
ALT!DEAN: And we're leaving.
ALT!SAM: Ow! My arm -- you're hurting it.
DEAN [angrily]: Have fun in Rio!
[Dean finds Sam standing in the hall near the kitchen, where Cas is examining Jack]
DEAN: Is the kid okay?
SAM: I don't know.
CASTIEL: He seems to have recovered.
DEAN: So, Jack's back?
CASTIEL: Yeah, he is. But, um, something's different. Jack is, uh -- well, he's been to the Garden. That's the crossroads of divinity and humanity. No one's been there since the exile till now. Till Jack.
[Cas leads them into the kitchen, where Jack's sitting at the table looking profoundly saddened]
SAM: Hey, Jack. How you doing?
JACK: I... I'm so sorry.
DEAN: You what?
JACK: Why didn't I get it? I mean, my mother died, too. Why didn't I understand? It was my fault.
CASTIEL: His soul is back.
JACK: Please. Just please forgive me.