9.05 Dog Dean Afternoon (transcript)
Written by: Eric Charmelo and Nicole Snyder
Directed by: Tim Andrew
Air Date: November 5, 2013
Contents
NOW
INT. TAXIDERMIST’S SHOP – NIGHT
Stuffed animals are on display in a workshop. A sports broadcast plays on the radio.
RADIO
And with a 1:20 left in the game, it's 62-54. This team wants that championship. It would be great. He's up. It's good, but the ref's on the whistle. He's calling a foul.
A GERMAN SHEPHERD walks over to a desk at which a TAXIDERMIST is brushing the whiskers of a squirrel under a magnifying lamp. A completed squirrel is dressed in an ornate cape and holds a sword. Another has a bird draped across its back. A display sign reads “Game of Thrones.”
RADIO
It could be charging. Number 10 – he's not happy about that. This guy just about could foul out, and nobody but the ref wants to see that happen. Coach Johnson watching the clock. He calls time-out. Talking to the ref right now. You know, so far in this game, there have been a number of fouls called by this particular ref, and that's not...
The dog whines.
TAXIDERMIST
Easy, Colonel.
Something falls or is knocked over in the workshop. The GERMAN SHEPHERD barks and growls. The TAXIDERMIST switches off the radio, picks up a shotgun and goes to investigate.
TAXIDERMIST
Is anyone here?
He walks towards a large stuffed bear and seems surprised when he looks up and sees it.
TAXIDERMIST
Whoa! Gets me every time.
The GERMAN SHEPHERD barks as the TAXIDERMIST walks back to his desk.
TAXIDERMIST
What's the matter, boy? It's me.
The GERMAN SHEPHERD continues to bark as a MAN IN A COWBOY HAT appears behind the TAXIDERMIST. The TAXIDERMIST raises his shotgun, but the MAN IN A COWBOY HAT knocks it to the floor. The MAN IN A COWBOY HAT opens his mouth and a long forked tongue protrudes.
TAXIDERMIST
What the hell?
The MAN IN A COWBOY HAT grabs the TAXIDERMIST by the throat and lifts him off the ground, choking him. As the TAXIDERMIST continues to splutter, the MAN IN A COWBOY HAT grabs him around the middle. We see their shadows reflected on the wall and hear a crunching noise as the TAXIDERMIST folds over backwards, his spine apparently broken.
SUPERNATURAL (Title Card)
ACT ONE
INT. BUNKER – DAY
SAM is sitting at the table as DEAN comes into the room.
DEAN
Wow.
SAM
What?
DEAN
Kevin. Just poured some buffalo milk down his gob twice.
SAM
Buffalo milk?
DEAN
Yeah, the hangover cure-all. It's got everything in it. Except buffalo milk.
SAM
How is that kid still recovering from Branson?
DEAN
What can I say? He's an amateur. The slippery nipple shots at the Dolly Parton Dixie Stampede nearly killed the guy.
SAM
All right. Well, uh, I got something that's gonna get us back on the road.
DEAN sits down next to SAM.
DEAN
A case?
SAM
Yeah.
DEAN
You sure you're ready for that?
SAM
Why would I not be ready for that?
DEAN
Aren't you kind of running on empty?
SAM
Yeah, but the last three nights straight, I had eight hours of shut-eye. For a hunter, that's like 20. Trust me, Dean. I feel good.
DEAN
Well, that's great and all, James Brown, but you're still recovering from the trials. I think you ought to pace yourself, you know? And the sooner you heal...
SAM
Yeah?
DEAN
I just want you back to your old self.
SAM
I am, Dean. Look, Kevin's back on the heaven spell. Crowley's locked up. We should be out there doing what we do best.
DEAN
Yeah…
SAM
You want to listen at least? [He doesn’t wait for an answer.] Okay, great. Taxidermist named Max Alexander mysteriously crushed to death. Nearly every joint in his body dislocated, every bone broken. Poor guy is a human pretzel. You tell me what's got that kind of strength.
DEAN
A demonic luchador?
SAM
Shop's a couple hours away in Enid, Oklahoma. We should at least check it out. Unless there's some reason you think we shouldn't.
EXT. TAXIDERMIST’S SHOP – DAY
A sign reads “Mounted Treasures Taxidermy. Shipping & Receiving. Est 1967.” “DIE SCUM” has been written on the wall and door in red paint. On the painted “M” is a symbol of a dog’s paw print in an inverted triangle. SAM and DEAN in their FBI suits approach.
DEAN
Subtle.
SAM
Check that out. [He points to the symbol.] Huh. [He takes out his phone and takes a picture of the symbol.]
INT. TAXIDERMIST’S SHOP – DAY
DEAN and SAM walk past mounted trophy heads and stuffed animals.
DEAN
Well, the creep factor just skyrocketed.
A SHERIFF holds up his hands.
SHERIFF
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
SAM
How are you? Agents Michaels and Deville.
SAM and DEAN hold up their FBI badges.
SHERIFF
The body's already been to the morgue. Just wrapping it up with Dave Stephens. He's the one who discovered the body. Such a shame. I used to go hunting with Max. He was a real good egg.
DEAN
Sorry for your loss.
SHERIFF
Thanks.
DEAN
You mind showing my partner around? I just got a couple questions for Mr. Stephens.
SHERIFF
Okay. Come on.
SAM follows the SHERIFF into the next room. DEAN approaches DAVE STEPHENS.
DEAN
Dave Stephens?
DAVE
Yeah.
DEAN
I just got a couple questions for you if that's all right.
DAVE
I'll tell you whatever you need to know. Max was a... a real pal.
DEAN
Hunting buddy?
DAVE
[looking impressed that DEAN figured this out] Mm. Yeah.
DEAN
Eh, lucky guess. So, uh, about what time did you discover the body?
DAVE
About 9 a.m. – my usual pickup time. I come in every Wednesday and Sundays, uh, to collect the entrails.
DEAN
The what?
DAVE
The animal organs.
DEAN
Ah.
DAVE
After Max would, uh, dig them out and work his magic.
DEAN
Huh.
SAM holds up one of the “Game of Thrones” squirrels, which is wearing a dress with a large bow.
DAVE
He, uh – he was a real artist, you know? Strange thing is, though, uh, bins were empty this morning.
DEAN
Why is that strange?
DAVE
Well, because it's a Sunday. Weekend hunts are pretty much a given in this neck of the woods, so they're usually, mm, chock-full of guts.
DEAN
Ah.
DAVE
Mm.
DEAN
Any chance Max could have cleaned them out himself?
DAVE
No. It's a – it's a biohazard. You can't just, you know, throw the stuff out. You got to burn it.
The SHERIFF comes back into the room.
DEAN
Huh. [to the SHERIFF] Is there, uh, anything else missing from the shop?
SHERIFF
No. The register was full, and the safe was intact. And all of Max's trophies were still on the walls.
DEAN
And was there anybody else here when you showed up?
DAVE
No one. No, other than, uh... [he looks at the GERMAN SHEPHERD, which someone is putting on a leash] The Colonel.
DEAN
Hmm.
SAM comes back into the room.
DEAN
Excuse us.
SAM and DEAN walk a short distance away.
SAM
So?
DEAN
Okay, so, uh... we got a thief who's jonesing for animal parts, we got a pagan symbol, and we got a human pretzel.
SAM
Yeah, it all sounds very witch-y, but I wasn't able to find a hex bag.
DEAN
All right, well, let's keep digging. [The camera focuses on an owl.] But, uh, not here. I don't like the way that one's looking at me.
EXT. MOTEL – DAY
INT. MOTEL ROOM – DAY
SAM is using the laptop.
SAM
Okay, uh, that... symbol in the graffiti, it's... not wiccan. It's copywritten. Local animal-rights group, Enid's answer to PETA.
SAM holds the laptop out to DEAN. It shows a website titled S.N.A.R.T.: Showing No Animal Rough Treatment.
DEAN
S.N.A.R.T.? You got to be kidding me.
SAM
Well, it makes sense that an animal-rights group would have an axe to grind with a taxidermist.
DEAN
Why? The animal's already dead.
SAM
Yeah, but hunters are what keep them in business. Now the question is, are those bleeding hearts actually witches or just hippies?
DEAN
What's the difference?
EXT. GENTLE EARTH VEGAN BAKERY – DAY
DEAN and SAM in their FBI suits enter the bakery.
INT. GENTLE EARTH VEGAN BAKERY – DAY
DEAN
Always knew I'd find the source of all evil at a vegan bakery.
SAM
What's that smell?
DEAN
Patchouli. Yeah, mixed with depression from meat deprivation.
SAM
Hmm.
DEAN
Hey. [The camera focuses on the couple serving behind the counter, both of whom are wearing dark sunglasses.] You know who wears sunglasses inside? Blind people. And douchebags.
SAM and DEAN walk to the counter.
SAM
Olivia and Dylan Camrose?
OLIVIA
At your service.
DEAN
You two are members of S.N.A.R.T.?
OLIVIA
Founders and co-presidents, actually. Uh, can we interest you in some literature?
OLIVIA holds up a S.N.A.R.T. brochure. SAM makes a “no” motion with his hand.
DYLAN
Or a flaxseed scone? It's wheat-free, gluten-free, sugar-free, and surprisingly moist.
DEAN
Let me stop you right there. [He and SAM take out their ID badges.] Uh, we're here to investigate the death of Max Alexander, a local taxidermist.
OLIVIA
He's... dead?
DEAN
You knew him?
OLIVIA
Ish. Um... small town.
SAM
Well, he was murdered last night, and a S.N.A.R.T. logo was found at the crime scene. You two wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you?
OLIVIA and DYLAN look at each other.
CUT TO:
DYLAN, OLIVIA, DEAN and SAM are sitting around a table in the bakery.
DYLAN
His business is funded by hunters, and you know how hunters are. They're selfish dicks who define themselves by what they kill.
SAM and DEAN glance at each other.
OLIVIA
And as animal advocates, we couldn't stand for that.
SAM
So, you killed him?
OLIVIA
Of course not. S.N.A.R.T. doesn't tolerate violence.
DEAN
Huh. This coming from a couple who spray-paints death threats.
DYLAN
It was a scare tactic. We just wanted to spook him.
OLIVIA
Turns out we were the ones who got spooked.
SAM
What does that mean?
OLIVIA and DYLAN look at each other and he nods.
OLIVIA
Well, last night, when we were tagging the joint, we heard this noise.
DYLAN
A hissing noise.
OLIVIA
It freaked us out, so we ran out into the alley.
DYLAN
But someone attacked us.
OLIVIA
Sprayed us in the eyes with mace.
DYLAN
And it's not like we could go to the cops.
OLIVIA
So, now we look like total douchebags because we have to wear our sunglasses inside.
DYLAN and OLIVIA remove their sunglasses to reveal blotchy red skin around their eyes. DEAN makes a hand motion to indicate that they should put their sunglasses back on.
CUT TO:
An article titled “Black Eyes” on a “Med Research” website is open on the laptop.
INT. MOTEL ROOM – DAY
DEAN
Necrosis?
SAM is sitting at the table in front of the laptop.
SAM
Premature death of tissues – that's why their eyes were all messed up. [DEAN walks over to him, opening a beer.] And it's not caused by mace.
DEAN
All right. What caused it?
SAM
Right here. "Blunt force, radiation, venom."
DEAN
As in "snake"?
SAM
The taxidermist was constricted. Olivia and Dylan heard hissing, and they were sprayed in the eyes.
DEAN
By venom.
SAM
By venom.
DEAN
Okay, so... What are we talking here, some sort of a freaky-ass snake monster? [He sits down opposite SAM.]
SAM
Maybe. The weird thing is snakes either envenomate or constrict. No snake does both.
DEAN
Correction – freaky-ass mega-snake monster.
SAM
[laughs] It could be a Vetala.
DEAN
Yeah, but they're not afraid to sink their fangs in. Taxidermist was bite-free. It doesn't really fit the profile.
SAM
Right. So...?
DEAN
So, call Kevin. Have him look some stuff up.
EXT. ENID ANIMAL SHELTER – NIGHT
INT. ENID ANIMAL SHELTER – NIGHT
A YOUNG MAN is behind the counter. He picks up his phone, on which he is playing a word game. The MAN IN A COWBOY HAT enters.
YOUNG MAN
Aren't you early, dude?
The MAN IN A COWBOY HAT slides a $100 bill across the counter.
The YOUNG MAN smiles and takes the money.
YOUNG MAN
Hmm.
The MAN IN A COWBOY HAT walks through a door to the kennels. Dogs bark. One of the dogs is a GERMAN SHEPHERD, which the MAN IN A COWBOY HAT pauses to look at. The MAN IN A COWBOY HAT opens a cage, takes out a cat and puts it into a bag. He opens two more cages and puts two more cats into the bag.
CUT TO:
The YOUNG MAN behind the counter hears meowing and barking as he plays the game on his phone.
CUT TO:
The MAN IN A COWBOY HAT opens another cage and lifts out a cat. He smiles.
CUT TO:
We see a close-up of the word game on the YOUNG MAN’s phone. A particularly loud meow comes from the kennels. The YOUNG MAN puts down his phone and goes into the kennel area. The MAN IN A COWBOY HAT has his back to him. There is a crunching noise. As the MAN IN A COWBOY HAT turns, the YOUNG MAN sees that he is eating a cat, which he’s holding by the tail. The MAN IN A COWBOY HAT loudly swallows down the cat.
YOUNG MAN
Dude! You said you were from a perfume company.
The MAN IN A COWBOY HAT’s pupils become vertical slits and his fingernails turn into claws. The YOUNG MAN runs for the door, but the MAN IN A COWBOY HAT catches him.
YOUNG MAN
No! No!
Blood splatters the door and the YOUNG MAN slides down it.
ACT TWO
INT. ENID ANIMAL SHELTER – DAY
The YOUNG MAN is in an open body bag. DEAN and SAM are in their FBI suits.
DEAN
Claw marks?
SAM
Yeah. The cops said all the cats went missing.
DEAN and SAM walk slowly past the kennels.
DEAN
Right, so, yesterday, uh, we're dealing with some sort of a snake monster. Today, it's a killer kitty.
SAM
I don't know.
DEAN
Hey. [He pauses in front of the GERMAN SHEPHERD’s kennel.] Why does that mutt look familiar?
SAM reads a chart clipped to the kennel.
SAM
That was the taxidermist's dog.
DEAN
So, he's been at both crime scenes?
SAM
Yeah.
DEAN
Maybe he's a suspect. You know may– [He breaks off as an officer walks past.] Could be a skinwalker, maybe a shapeshifter.
SAM
Doesn't really look like a monster to me.
DEAN holds up a silver dollar.
DEAN
One way to find out. Come here, boy. Hey. This isn't gonna hurt at all. Unless it hurts.
DEAN rubs THE COLONEL behind the ears with the silver dollar. THE COLONEL doesn’t react.
DEAN
Hmm.
SAM
I guess we can, uh, rule out killer.
THE COLONEL barks as the SHERIFF walks over to them.
SHERIFF
Do you agents need any further assistance?
The SHERIFF removes his hat and THE COLONEL stops barking.
SAM
Officer, I think we're okay. Thanks.
SHERIFF
All right, well, let me know.
The SHERIFF replaces his hat on his head and THE COLONEL barks.
DEAN
Officer. Excuse me. Uh, can I borrow your hat?
The SHERIFF unquestioningly takes off his hat and gives it to DEAN. DEAN puts on the hat and THE COLONEL barks. He takes off the hat and THE COLONEL is silent. DEAN gives the hat back to the SHERIFF.
SHERIFF
[to THE COLONEL] Good luck getting adopted.
The SHERIFF leaves the kennels.
SAM
Okay, so, THE COLONEL's not a suspect.
DEAN
Yeah, but he's a witness. [to THE COLONEL] Hey, boy. You speak sign language?
SAM
That's monkeys.
DEAN
Huh?
SAM
You know what? This is gonna sound crazy. [He takes out his phone.] I read this book once about this guy who tried to teach his dog to speak after it witnessed a murder.
DEAN
It worked?
SAM
No.
DEAN
But he wrote a book about it?
SAM
Yeah, well, he doesn't have what we have. [on phone] Kevin. Hey, it's me. How do we speak to a dog?
EXT. MOTEL – DAY
INT. MOTEL ROOM – DAY
SAM and DEAN are sitting at the table. THE COLONEL lies on the floor.
DEAN
An Inuit spell.
SAM
Yeah. Who knew the, uh, Men of Letters had its own Eskimo section?
DEAN
And it's supposed to let us communicate with The Colonel?
SAM plucks hair from THE COLONEL’s coat.
SAM
Yeah, well... that's the plan. [He puts the hair into a bowl and stirs the contents vigorously.] Kevin said it's like a sort of a human/animal mind meld.
DEAN
Meaning?
SAM
If it works, we should be able to read The Colonel's thoughts.
SAM pours the contents of the bowl into a glass.
DEAN
All right, I'll do it. [He takes the glass.] You – you got enough on your plate.
SAM
Like what?
DEAN
Uh, like... you're tired. You're on the mend. Okay? Plus, you – you've got a sensitive stomach. Last thing we need is you chucking this stuff up. Huh?
SAM scoffs. DEAN looks at the red liquid in the glass.
DEAN
Doesn't look so bad. [He drinks the liquid in one gulp.] I was wrong. [He gestures to SAM.] Come on.
SAM hands DEAN a book.
DEAN
[clearing his throat] Ha! [He reads from the book.] "Deila hér me. Dag eru nou rar vitur orum."
[to THE COLONEL] All right. Let's get this party started. Tell me everything you know.
THE COLONEL yawns.
DEAN
What's the matter? Cat got your tongue? [He laughs, SAM doesn’t.] Tough crowd.
THE COLONEL barks. DEAN looks at SAM and shakes his head to say that he doesn’t understand.
CUT TO:
DEAN and SAM are at the table eating take-out food. Foreigner’s “I Want to Know What Love Is” plays.
♪ I got to take a little time ♪
DEAN
So, call Kevin.
♪ A little time to think things over ♪
DEAN
Spell tasted like ass and was a bust.
SAM
At least it didn't affect your appetite. Geez.
DEAN
Yeah.
The camera focuses on THE COLONEL, who is sitting at DEAN’s feet looking up at him.
STRANGE MALE VOICE
Change the station.
DEAN looks at THE COLONEL.
♪ I better read between the lines ♪
STRANGE MALE VOICE
Change the station.
♪ In case I need it when I'm older ♪
DEAN
What?
SAM
What?
DEAN
You – shut up. It's working!
SAM
It – go!
♪ Ohh ♪
DEAN
[to THE COLONEL] Say that again.
THE COLONEL
You call this classic rock? [scoffs] Next thing you know, they'll be playing Styx.
♪ Now this mountain I must climb ♪
THE COLONEL
And Dennis DeYoung? A punk.
DEAN
Dennis DeYoung's not a punk. He's Mr. Roboto, bitch.
SAM
Why are you arguing with the dog about Styx?
DEAN
Wh– uh, yeah. Um, hey, boy. What were you trying to tell us about Cowboy Hat?
THE COLONEL
The douchewheel who killed my best friend was wearing a cowboy hat.
DEAN
And the pothead, too?
THE COLONEL
Yep. Same guy killed both.
♪ In my life ♪
SAM
Ask about the cats.
SAM throws a rolled-up food wrapper past DEAN into a garbage can.
DEAN
Yeah, uh –
♪ There's been heartache and pain ♪
DEAN casually takes the wrapper out of the garbage can and puts it in front of SAM.
DEAN
And what about the cats?
♪ I don't know ♪
THE COLONEL
I don't know.
SAM
[holding up the food wrapper] I don't want this.
THE COLONEL
I couldn't see much. I didn't exactly have the best view in the orphanage. Oh, but I could smell him. Guy reeked of red meat, dishwashing detergent and tiger balm.
DEAN
Huh.
SAM
So, what's he saying?
SAM throws the food wrapper towards the garbage can again, missing this time.
DEAN
Uh, that the – the guy [he retrieves the food wrapper from the floor and tosses it across the table to SAM] he smelled like ground chuck and soap suds and old-lady cream.
SAM holds up the food wrapper.
SAM
Dean, what are you doing?
♪ I want you to show me ♪
DEAN scratches behind his ear.
DEAN
I don't know.
THE COLONEL turns his head on the side and laughs. DEAN scratches behind his ear again.
DEAN
Oh, what are you laughing at?
A vehicle pulls up outside.
THE COLONEL
Uh...
THE COLONEL barks. DEAN stands up, goes to the window and parts the curtains. A MAILMAN is getting out of the vehicle.
DEAN
Hey! Hey, hey! Yeah! [He points at the mailman.] You! You!
The MAILMAN looks at DEAN, but walks away. THE COLONEL continues to bark.
DEAN
Hey! Hey! Hey, hey, you! You! You! You! [He growls.]
SAM
Uh, Dean?
DEAN
Hmm?
SAM
I think the spell worked. Fact, I think it worked a little too well.
DEAN sits down at the table again.
DEAN
What?
SAM
I think... you might be a dog.
DEAN
[scratching behind his ear] What?
SAM
You're scratching your head. You're... barking at the mailman. You're playing fetch.
SAM throws the food wrapper into the garbage can again.
DEAN
I –
DEAN looks at the food wrapper, makes a movement towards it and restrains himself. He makes a whimpering noise.
DEAN
Ruh-roh.
ACT THREE
INT. MOTEL ROOM – DAY
SAM is on the phone.
SAM (on phone)
Yeah. No, that – okay.
DEAN is sitting on the end of a bed, staring at THE COLONEL, who is looking back at him.
SAM (on phone)
All right. Thanks.
SAM hangs up.
SAM
So, apparently, the Inuit spell has some side effects.
DEAN
Oh, well, that would have been nice to know before I downed it! What kind of side effects?
SAM
When you mind meld with an animal, it's... possible to start exhibiting some of its behavior.
THE COLONEL
Don't look at me, Hoss. It ain't my fault.
DEAN
Well, how long am I gonna have the urge to...
THE COLONEL
Sniff butts? [laughs]
DEAN
Oh, whoa. Hey. I don't have the urge to sniff butts.
THE COLONEL
Yet.
SAM
Do you really h-have the –
DEAN
No! Come on!
SAM
Well, Kevin doesn't know how long it'll last. It's not like it's an exact science, you know? But hopefully, when the spell wears off, so will the side effects.
DEAN takes a bite of a chocolate bar.
THE COLONEL
I wouldn't eat that if I were you.
DEAN stops with a piece of chocolate between his lips.
THE COLONEL
Chocolate? Seriously.
DEAN lets the piece of chocolate fall out of his mouth.
EXT. MOTEL – DAY
SAM, DEAN and THE COLONEL walk across the motel parking lot to the IMPALA. DEAN has THE COLONEL on a leash.
THE COLONEL
Where we headed?
DEAN
Back to the shelter.
THE COLONEL
To sniff out more clues, maybe dig up something we missed?
DEAN
All right, one more doggy pun out of you, and I'm gonna have your nuts clipped.
THE COLONEL
I hate to break it to you, Hoss. My sack's emptier than Santa's after Christmas.
Bird crap appears on the IMPALA’s windshield.
DEAN
Aw, are you kidding me?
A pigeon is sitting on top of a lamp pole above the IMPALA.
DEAN
Hey, dick move, pigeon!
PIGEON
Screw you, asshat.
DEAN reaches out and touches SAM, who looks at him.
DEAN
Did –
SAM
What?
DEAN
Wait a minute. Can I hear all animals?
THE COLONEL
Yep. Animals have a universal language – like Esperanto. But this one actually caught on.
PIGEON
And I'm just getting started, too. Brewing a real big one. Ha. Bet your ride's gonna look sweet in white.
SAM
What's he saying?
DEAN
You – he's being a douchebag!
PIGEON
Who you calling "douchebag," douchebag?
DEAN
Oh, shut it, you winged rat!
SAM looks around at a man and a woman watching them.
SAM
Dude.
DEAN
What?
SAM
Hey. [He waves to the man and woman watching.] Just calm down. Just get in the car. [He smiles.]
PIGEON
Ha ha. That's right, Sally. Go cry to mama.
DEAN
[taking out his gun and pointing it at the pigeon] Oh, that's it, you son of a bitch!
SAM
Dean! [He grabs DEAN’s gun arm and pulls it down.] Get in the car.
SAM waves in two directions to onlookers.
EXT. ENID ANIMAL SHELTER – DAY
The IMPALA pulls into the parking lot. SAM is driving. DEAN and THE COLONEL are both sticking their heads out the windows. As SAM parks the car, DEAN blinks and looks somewhat perplexed as he brings his head back inside the car. DEAN and SAM get out.
SAM
I think it's probably best to just leave The Colonel in the car.
DEAN
Excuse me?
SAM
Well, all the windows are open.
DEAN
You think we like that?
SAM
We?
DEAN
You think because the windows are open that that's some sort of a treat, huh? No, the dog's coming in.
THE COLONEL
Respect.
DEAN rubs THE COLONEL on the head and opens the door for him. They are heading for the door of the shelter when DEAN’s attention is caught by a white standard poodle with pink bows on its ears, which is tied with a pink leash to a bike rack. Music plays as DEAN stares appreciatively at the poodle and the camera slowly pans up the poodle’s body.
♪ Ooohh… ♪
DEAN and THE COLONEL stare at the poodle.
♪ Yeah, baby. ♪
♪ Good God. ♪
♪ You said it. ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
SAM
Dean.
DEAN
Yep.
They enter the animal shelter.
INT. ENID ANIMAL SHELTER – DAY
DEAN
So, what else can you tell me about the man with the cowboy hat?
FEMALE VOICE
Honestly, I couldn't see much.
DEAN is speaking to a COLLIE in the kennels.
COLLIE
Damn cataracts. And you know no one's going to pay for my surgery. Just another casualty of the system, I guess. I don't belong here, you know. I'm pedigreed.
DEAN
Well, I'm sure you'll be out of here soon.
COLLIE
Please. I'm 14.
DEAN
Good luck... ma'am.
DEAN closes the door to the COLLIE’s kennel and walks slowly away. The DOG in the next kennel speaks to him.
DOG 2
Once a day they clean these cages. Once a day!
DEAN
Okay.
DOG 3
A biscuit. Just one biscuit.
DOG 4
I need a Raquel Welch poster and a rock hammer.
DOG 5
I'm shaking the fence, boss. Still shaking the fence.
DOG 6
Over here!
DOG 7
I was framed!
DOG 6
Over here!
DOG 5
I'm shaking the fence, boss. Still shaking the fence!
SAM is standing at the end of the kennels.
SAM
Any luck?
DEAN
[sighs] Hardly. And I'm not getting any clues – just a bunch of complaints.
YORKIE
Hey, pretty boy. Over here.
DEAN
Yeah, uh, sorry, pal. I'm done for the day.
YORKIE
But I saw everything! And I'll tell you, but it'll cost you.
DEAN
What? Are you kidding me? I'm being extorted by a dog. Well, what do you want, huh? What? Beggin' strips? Snausages?
YORKIE
Bitch, please. If I'm gonna rat someone out, it's got to be worth my while. I want... a belly rub.
DEAN
You – All right.
YORKIE
Not from you, sweetie. From that big one. [laughs and looks at SAM] Over there. Hi!
CUT TO:
SAM is holding the YORKIE and rubbing its belly.
YORKIE
Ohh, a – a cowboy hat, leather pants. The dude's a total closet case.
DEAN
Okay, what else can you tell me about the guy other than his outfit?
YORKIE
Um, he was carrying a burlap sack for the cats.
DEAN
What does he want with the cats?
YORKIE
Ooh, attaboy, yes. Hell if I know. But he took all of them, except for the one he ate.
DEAN
Ew.
SAM
What?
DEAN
Apparently, our guy has a sweet tooth for kitty cats.
SAM
Huh.
YORKIE
Oh. Oh, and the sack had something written on it.
SAM stops rubbing and shakes out his hand.
DEAN
Okay, what did it say?
The YORKIE whines.
DEAN
Hey, come on. We had a deal.
YORKIE
Well, you tell that to the tall drink. He's the one who stopped rubbing.
DEAN
Sam.
SAM
Hand cramps.
DEAN
He's not talking.
SAM resumes rubbing the YORKIE’s belly.
YORKIE
Attaboy. It said “Avant-Garde Cuisine.” Lucky for you, I read French.
THE COLONEL
That's a café on Main Street. No dogs allowed.
DEAN
Well, no wonder he smelled like hamburgers and dish soap. We got to go downtown. Apparently our guy works at a restaurant.
DEAN motions for SAM to put the YORKIE back in its kennel.
YORKIE
Whoa-oh, yeah. No, no, wait, wait, wait. Sure you don't want to adopt me?
DEAN
No, thanks. Uh, we'll pass.
DEAN closes the kennel door and he and SAM walk away.
YORKIE
No, I'm not above licking feet. Hey, big'un! Come back here!
DEAN
All right. [He reaches down for THE COLONEL’s leash.] Hey, hold up.
SAM
What's the matter?
YORKIE
Best belly rub I ever had.
DEAN opens a kennel door and DOG 2 hurries out.
DOG 2
Freedom!
DEAN opens another kennel door and another dog leaves.
DOG 8
I left a surprise in there for animal control.
THE COLONEL
I didn't peg you for a softy.
DOG 9
Going home. I'm going home. Honey, I'm coming home.
DEAN opens another kennel door.
DOG 9
I'm coming home.
DOG 10
I’m going home!
DOG 9
Bacon! Bacon! Bacon! Bacon!
EXT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT
The IMPALA pulls up outside the back door of the restaurant and SAM and DEAN get out. SAM picks the lock on the door and they enter.
INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT
DEAN
Honestly, who can afford to be closed on Monday these days?
SAM
A homicidal maniac?
DEAN
Yeah.
SAM
Hey.
SAM opens a door and shines a flashlight around the dark room.
SAM
Check this out. [He shines the flashlight on a photo of the MAN IN A COWBOY HAT sharpening a knife.] Chef Leo. Think he's our guy?
DEAN
It's Okie town. Lots of dudes wear cowboy hats.
The walk past shelves of ingredients. SAM opens a drawer to find a bunch of pill bottles.
SAM
Whoa. Oxycodone, tramadol, methadone.
DEAN
Hmm. Guess he likes to cook comfortably numb.
SAM
Yeah, apparently.
HIGH-PITCHED VOICE 1
Help us.
HIGH-PITCHED VOICE 2
Please, mister.
HIGH-PITCHED VOICE 3
Over here!
DEAN
Did you hear that? Sounded like little kids.
HIGH-PITCHED VOICE 1
Help. If you don't free us, the chef will eat us.
HIGH-PITCHED VOICE 2
She's not lying.
HIGH-PITCHED VOICE 3
We're in a cage!
DEAN lifts the cover off a cage to reveal four mice.
DEAN
Eat you?
MOUSE 1
Look in the refrigerator behind you.
MOUSE 2
Yeah, behind you.
MOUSE 3
In the fridge.
SAM opens a book as DEAN looks in the refrigerator, which holds containers of organs.
DEAN
Hey. Owl brains. Cheetah liver. Grizzly heart.
SAM
I found a spell book. Shamanism.
DEAN
Well, what's a chef doing dabbling with witchcraft?
SAM
It says here whatever animal organ you ingest with the right mix of hoodoo and spices, you temporarily gain the power of that animal. So, okay, if you're munching on owl brains...
DEAN
Your head spins around like "The Exorcist"?
SAM
Close. Bolsters your IQ. Okay, eat a cheetah liver for speed, bear heart for strength.
DEAN
Okay, so if he's chowing down on this stuff –
SAM
Then it would make sense why he constricted the taxidermist and clawed the guy at the shelter.
DEAN
[to the MICE] Well, no offense, but why would he want to eat you guys?
MOUSE
Uh, we have collapsible spines.
MOUSE 2
We do.
MOUSE 3
Promise.
SAM
Look at this.
DEAN
Hmm.
SAM
Lion liver plus eagle heart. Rattlesnake fangs plus anaconda bladder. [He is looking at recipes on cards.] Baboon brains plus black widow abdomen. He's mixing ingredients.
DEAN
What the hell for?
They hear a noise in another room.
MOUSE
Shoo! Quiet!
MOUSE 2
Don't shush me!
MOUSE 3
You be quiet!
MOUSE 4
I’m as quiet as a mouse. [laughs]
DEAN and SAM step out into the hallway with their guns drawn. They walk around several corners to the kitchen where a CHEF is grinding ingredients in a bowl. They hide their guns behind their backs.
CHEF
Who the hell are you?
SAM
We're from the health department. Stopped by for an inspection.
CHEF
I wasn't aware we had one scheduled.
DEAN
Yeah, no, you wouldn't be. That's the point. Besides, I thought you were closed.
CHEF
We are. Chef's having a private dinner. [A WAITER enters carrying a platter of food.] In fact, he'll be here any minute.
DEAN
Oh. Well, then. In that case, kitchen's shut down.
CHEF
Shut down? Why?
SAM
Because, uh, y-you're both in clear violation of penal code 8.14.
DEAN
Out. Come on. Get out. Both of you. We'll let you know.
The CHEF and WAITER leave.
DEAN
All right. I'll take the front. You take the back.
SAM
Do we even know how to kill this guy?
DEAN
[looking at his gun] Well, empty one of these in his head. See what that does.
DEAN goes into the dining area. SAM hears a noise from the back and goes to investigate. The MAN IN A COWBOY HAT, no longer wearing a hat and now in a uniform with the name “Chef Leo,” materializes from curtains behind SAM. SAM spins around, but CHEF LEO slashes SAM across the throat. SAM reels backwards with a hand to his throat.
SAM
Aah!
CHEF LEO
Chameleons aren't that bad. Kind of taste like chicken.
SAM turns away, gasping and shaking. His eyes briefly turn blue: EZEKIEL has taken over. EZEKIEL holds two fingers to SAM’s throat and the wounds heal. His eyes blaze blue again: SAM has returned. SAM gasps for breath. He clasps his throat, looks at his hand, then does it again. There is still blood on his neck, but he appears to be fully healed. He turns to face CHEF LEO.
CHEF LEO
How the hell did you do that?
SAM
D-do what?
CHEF LEO
Don't play coy. I want to know what you are. Oh, screw the sharktopus.
CHEF LEO hits SAM, who falls unconscious to the floor.
CHEF LEO
You're my main course.
ACT FOUR
INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT
SAM lies unconscious on the floor as CHEF LEO sharpens a knife. DEAN comes around a corner holding his gun.
CHEF LEO
Why does it smell like dog in here?
He turns and sees DEAN.
CHEF LEO
That smell's coming from you.
DEAN fires, but CHEF LEO leans out of the path of the bullet, which breaks a jar on a shelf behind him. CHEF LEO throws a kitchen machete, which lodges into a pillar next to DEAN. CHEF LEO grabs and punches DEAN, sending him to his knees. CHEF LEO picks up a cord and puts it around DEAN’s neck.
CHEF LEO
All dogs should be leashed.
CHEF LEO ties DEAN to the pillar with his hands behind his back. DEAN sees SAM lying on the floor.
DEAN
What did you do to my brother?
CHEF LEO
Your brother? What was your mom smoking when she had you two? He's fine. He's just taking a little cat nap before dinner. I've never had human heart before. Heard it's a bit chewy. Good job I'm not a fussy eater.
CHEF LEO returns to sharpening his knife.
DEAN
You're sick.
CHEF LEO
Been told that once or twice.
DEAN
No, no. Not in the head. I, uh – well, you are that, too, but I mean sick like cancer.
CHEF LEO
Well, I guess dogs really can sniff it out. Stage IV carcinoma.
DEAN
Huh. So that's why you're doing this. What happened? Draw the short straw, decided to break bad?
CHEF LEO
See, when I was diagnosed, I was way past standard treatment. No one could save me. But then with the help of a Pawnee shaman and a zoo membership, I found a cure, albeit a temporary one. Cancer always came back.
DEAN
You start experimenting with different organs, huh? Traded in the single serving for a combo platter.
CHEF LEO
Well, what can I say? Combination therapy works. I felt stronger, and the effects lasted longer.
DEAN
And if you smoke a few innocent people in the process, well, hell, at least you felt better.
CHEF LEO
Well, I didn't mean to kill anyone – at first. But if people got in my way, they became collateral damage. Guess you eat enough predators, you start to become one. You are what you eat, right? [laughs]
DEAN
Do you really think the power you hold over other people's lives can make up for what you lack in your own?
CHEF LEO
So, dog boy, what do I need to eat to take you down, huh?
CHEF LEO opens an ice chest.
DEAN
You don't want to do this.
CHEF LEO
Oh, but I do want to do this. [He takes out a container labelled “Possum Intestines.”] See, I'm gonna kill you, work up a nice appetite [he takes out another contained labelled “Mongoose Liver”], and then I'm gonna eat your brother. I mean, I don't know what the hell he is, but with healing powers like that, who cares? He could cure me.
DEAN is rubbing the cord against the back corner of the pillar, causing the cord to fray.
CHEF LEO
Ah. [He holds up a container labelled “Wolf Heart.”] Dog on sort-of dog.
DEAN continues trying to break the cord while CHEF LEO takes out the wolf’s heart and holds it in his hands.
CHEF LEO
Rahuraar, sakuriisat iisat a ti'pah kaawakit. 'A tarahkista'u... a raah.
DEAN breaks the cord. CHEF LEO takes a bite of the wolf heart. DEAN removes the machete from the pillar and slashes at CHEF LEO, who knocks the machete to the floor and sends DEAN backwards. CHEF LEO’s teeth descend into fangs. DEAN runs and CHEF LEO chases after him with a yell.
EXT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT
DEAN bursts out the exit door. CHEF LEO follows a moment later.
CHEF LEO
Sorry. Wolf trumps dog.
DEAN
Maybe. But not a whole pack.
DEAN whistles and the dogs from the shelter come running, led by THE COLONEL. CHEF LEO tries unsuccessfully to open the restaurant door and get through a fence before the dogs attack him. He screams. DEAN watches with a grimace.
ACT FIVE
INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT
DEAN hurries to SAM, who is still lying unconscious on the floor. DEAN holds SAM’s face in his hands and slaps him lightly.
DEAN
Hey. For the love of God, Sammy. Hey, Sammy. Zeke. Whoever the hell you are. Hey. Come on. Don't make me lick your damn face. Hey.
DEAN puts a hand on SAM’s chest and shakes him. SAM opens his eyes and draws a deep breath. DEAN bows his head in relief. DEAN grabs SAM’s jacket and puts a hand behind his back to help him up.
DEAN
Come on.
INT. GENTLE EARTH VEGAN BAKERY – NIGHT
OLIVIA is crouching in front of THE COLONEL, patting him.
DYLAN
When you called us about adopting him, we couldn't believe it.
OLIVIA
Aren't you the sweetest?
THE COLONEL
Ugh. Back off, tofu-breath.
OLIVIA
Oh, you must be starving. Lucky for you, I baked some vegan doggy cupcakes.
OLIVIA stands up and goes to get the cupcakes with DYLAN.
THE COLONEL
Agh! I'm gonna be pooping wheatgrass with these two.
DEAN crouches down in front of him.
DEAN
Look, I know they're hippie freaks, but they're gonna give you a good home – one that you deserve.
THE COLONEL
Yeah, yeah.
DEAN
Wish we could take you on the road with us, but it's no life for a dog.
THE COLONEL
Don't sweat it. I get carsick anyway. I was afraid to tell you earlier, but I barfed in your back seat.
DEAN
You...
THE COLONEL
What?
DEAN
I'm gonna miss you, buddy.
THE COLONEL holds out a paw, which DEAN shakes.
THE COLONEL
I'll miss you, too. And by the way, as an honorary dog, there's something you should know. Dogs aren't really man's best friend.
DEAN
What are you talking about?
THE COLONEL
I know it sounds like a conspiracy theory, but the real reason we were put here was to... [he barks]
DEAN
Put here to do what?
THE COLONEL barks some more.
DEAN
Oh, you got to be kidding me. Oh, now the spell wears off?! [He rubs a hand over his face and pats THE COLONEL.] Okay.
EXT. GENTLE EARTH VEGAN BAKERY – NIGHT
SAM is waiting by the IMPALA.
SAM
How did it go?
DEAN
Well, bad news is I'm gonna miss the flea bag. Good news is it looks like the spell is finally wearing off. You okay? The Stetson man got you pretty good.
SAM
Yeah, I'm fine. I-I just, uh... I can't stop thinking about what he said.
DEAN
Oh, come on, Sammy. Guy was out of his freaking gourd.
SAM
Yeah, but, I mean, why – why would he ask that? Why – why did he want to know what I was?
DEAN
Who the hell knows? He was all jacked up on juice, you know? He was possessed by – by something he couldn't control. It was... [long pause] It was a – a matter of time before it completely took over. You can't reason with crazy, right?
SAM
I don't know.
DEAN
Well, I do. Trust me, Sam. You got nothing to worry about.
They get into the IMPALA. DEAN glances at SAM and starts the engine. They drive away.
END
