1.17 Hell House (transcript)
Written by: Trey Callaway
Directed by: Chris Long
Air Date: 30 Mar 2006TEASER
RICHARDSON, TEXAS. TWO MONTHS AGO. NIGHT.
Three guys, one holding a torch, and a girl, walk along a muddy path.
GUY 1
Come on man, is it much further? I'm cold.
GUY WITH TORCH
It should be just up here.A deserted cabin comes into focus through the mist.
GIRL
Whoa.
GUY WITH TORCH
There we go.
GUY 2
How'd you find this place anyway Craig?
CRAIG
My cousin told me about it.
GIRL
I am so not going in there.
CRAIG
Wuss'. We came all the way out here may as well check it out.
GUY 1
Let's just hurry this up and get back to the car all right? It's friggin cold out here.
CRAIG and GUY 1 move ahead.
GUY 2
(To girl) You want me to hold your hand?
Girl thinks about it then takes his hand.
GUY 2
Are there ... any other parts I can hold?
GIRL
Eww! (Hitting him) Shut up, you loser.
GUY 2
(Laughing) Come on! What?!
Inside. The flashlight shows weird symbols on the walls.
CRAIG
No way. Look at this stuff.....Come on. It's this way.
They move into another room.
CRAIG
They say that it lives in the root cellar. It goes after girls. Always girls. It just, strings 'em up.
GUY 1
They say? Who's they? Where'd you hear this crap?
CRAIG
I told you, my cousin.
GUY 1
And where'd she hear it?
CRAIG
I don't know. She just heard it.
GUY 1
(Smirking) Whatever. Gimme that thing. (He grabs the flashlight.)
He opens the door to the basement and goes downstairs. The others follow more slowly.
GUY 1
Ooooh look. It's the evil root cellar. You know where Satan cans all his vegetables. Come on, get your candy ass down here and see for yourselves. It's just a basement full of skank-filled jars in some crap farmhouse. I don't see anything scary. (laughing) Do you?
The others join him and look around. They freeze, looking over his shoulder, terrified.
GUY 1
What? (pause) What? What is it?
He slowly turns around. A girl hangs from the rafters. He screams.
END TEASER
ACT ONE
INTERSTATE 35. PRESENT DAY
Music: Blue Öyster Cult – Fire of Unknown Origin
The Impala cruises past a sign: Big Texas Towing and Salvage yard.
DEAN is driving. He looks over and sees SAM sleeping with his mouth open. He feels around then gently places a plastic spoon in SAM'S mouth. Grinning, he flips open his phone and takes a photo, then turns the music up loud.
DEAN
(Singing) Fire...of unknown origins...took my baby away!
SAM jerks up, realises something is in his mouth, panics and waves his arms as he spits it out. DEAN air drums along to the song on the steering wheel then looks over, grinning as SAM wipes his mouth and turns down the music.
SAM
Ha ha, very funny.
DEAN
heh heh heh. Sorry, not a lot of scenery here in East Texas, kinda gotta make your own.
SAM
Man we're not kids anymore Dean. We're not going to start that crap up again.
DEAN
Start what up?
SAM
That prank stuff. It's stupid, and it always escalates.
DEAN
Aw, what's the matter Sammy, scared you're going to get a little Nair in your shampoo again huh?
SAM
All right, just remember you started it.
DEAN
Ah ha, bring it on baldy.
SAM
Where are we anyway?
DEAN
A few hours outside of Richardson. Gimme the lowdown again?
SAM
(Reading) All right, about a month or two ago this group of kids goes poking around in this local haunted house.
DEAN
Haunted by what?
SAM
Apparently, a pretty misogynistic spirit. Legend goes, it takes girls and strings them up in the rafters. Anyway this group of kids see this dead girl hanging in the cellar.
DEAN
Anybody ID the corpse?
SAM
Well, that's the thing. By the time the cops got there the body was gone. So cops are saying the kids were just yanking chains.
DEAN
Maybe the cops are right.
SAM
Maybe, but I read a couple of the kids firsthand accounts. They seemed pretty sincere.
DEAN
Where'd you read these accounts?
SAM
(A little embarrased) Well, I knew we were going to be passing through Texas. So, umm, last night, I surfed some local ... (quickly) paranormal websites. And I found one.
DEAN
And what's it called.
SAM
HellHoundsLair.com
DEAN
Lemme guess, streaming live out of Mom's basement.
SAM
(Grinning) Yeah, probably.
DEAN
Yeah. Most of those websites wouldn't know a ghost if it bit 'em in the persqueeter.
SAM
Look. We let Dad take off. Which was a mistake, by the way. And now we don't know where the hell he is, so meantime we gotta find ourselves something to hunt. There's no harm checking this thing out.
DEAN
All right. So where do we find these kids?
SAM
Same place you always find kids in a town like this.
...............................
EXTERIOR. NIGHT. FAST FOOD OUTLET 'RODEO DRIVE'.
The Impala pulls up.
Snippets of the people that were at the Hell House being interviewed.
GUY 1
(At outside table) It was the scariest thing I ever saw in my life, I swear to God.
GUY 2
(through the serving hatch) From the moment we walked in the walls were painted black.
GUY 1
Red.
GIRL
(at inside table) I think it was blood.
GUY 1
All these freaky symbols.
GUY 2
Crosses and stars and...
GUY 1
Pentagons.
GUY 2
Pentacostals.
GIRL
Whatever, I had my eyes closed the whole time.
GUY 1
But I can damn sure tell you this much. No matter what anybody else says...
GIRL
That poor girl.
GUY 2
With the black...
GUY 1
Blonde...
GIRL
Red hair, just hanging there.
GUY 1
Kicking!
GUY 2
Without even moving!
GIRL
She was real.
GUY 1
One hundred percent.
GUY 2
And kinda hot. Well you know in a dead sort of way.
DEAN
(lookng at SAM with eyes raised) Ok!
SAM
And.... how'd you find out about this place anyway?
All THREE SITTING TOGETHER NOW. (Simultaneously:)
Craig.
Craig.
Craig took us.
.........................
INTERIOR. MUSIC SHOP.
SAM and DEAN enter.
CRAIG
(Behind counter) Fellas. Can I help you with anything?
SAM
Yeah, are you Craig Thurston?
CRAIG
I am.
DEAN
Well we're reporters with the Dallas Morning News. I'm Dean, this is Sam.
CRAIG
No way. Well I'm writer too. I write for my school's lit magazine.
DEAN
Well, good for you Morrissey.
SAM
Umm. We're doing an article on local hauntings and rumor has it you might know of one.
CRAIG
You mean the Hell House?
DEAN
That's the one.
CRAIG
I didn't think there was anything to the story.
SAM
Why don't you tell us the story.
CRAIG
Well, supposedly back in the '30s this farmer, Mordachai Murdoch, used to live in this house with his six daughters. It was during the Depression, his crops were failing, he didn't have enough money to feed his own children. So I guess that's when he went off the deep end.
SAM
How?
CRAIG
Well, he figured it was best if his girls died quick, rather than starve to death. So he attacked them. They screamed, begged for him to stop but he just strung 'em up, one after the other. And when he was all finished he just turned around and hung himself. Now they say that his spirit is trapped in the house forever, stringing up any other girl that goes inside.
DEAN
Where'd you hear all this?
CRAIG
My cousin Dana told me. I don't know where she heard it from. Ya gotta realize, I -- I didn't believe this for a second.
SAM
But now you do.
CRAIG
I don't know what the hell to think, man. You guys, I--I'll tell you exactly what I told the police, ok? That girl was real. And she was dead. This was not a prank. I swear to God, I don't wanna go anywhere near that house ever again, ok?
DEAN
Thanks.
............................
EXTERIOR. HELL HOUSE. DAY.
SAM and DEAN slush up the muddy path to the house.
SAM
Can't say I blame the kid.
DEAN
Yeah, so much for curb appeal.
Cut to them both looking around. SAM comes back toward DEAN who is holding the EMF, which is making sounds.
SAM
You got something?
DEAN
(Tapping the EMF) Ye-ah. The EMFs no good.
SAM
Why?
DEAN
(Gesturing at overhead power lines) I think that thing's still got a little juice in it. It's screwing with all the readings.
SAM
Yeah that'd do it.
DEAN
Yeah. Come on, let's go.
They head inside and start looking around.
DEAN
(Whistling) Looks like old man Murdock was a bit of a tagger here in his time.
SAM
And after his time too. That reverse cross has been used by Satanists for centuries but this sigil of sulfur didn't show up in San Franciso until the '60s.
DEAN
(Staring at SAM) That is exactly why you never get laid.
DEAN
(Moving to the other wall) Hey what about this one, you seen this one before?
(Gesturing at a symbol. It is a cross with a dot in the middle. The bottom stroke looks like an upside-down question mark.)
SAM
No.
DEAN
I have. Somewhere.
SAM
(Rubbing the symbol) It's paint. Seems pretty fresh too.
DEAN
I don't know Sam. You know I hate to agree with authority figures of any kind, but ... the cops may be right about this one.
SAM
Yeah, maybe.
A sudden noise has them on alert. They take up positions either side of a door. DEAN nods and they bust through. Bright lights shine in their eyes.
GUY 1
Oh, cut. It's just a coupla humans.
One guy holds a small electrical gadget, the other a camera which he switches off.
GUY 1
What are you guys doing here?
DEAN
What they hell are you doing here?
GUY 1
Ah-ha-ha. We belong here, we're professionals?
DEAN
Professional what?
GUY 1
Paranormal Investigators. (He hands them both business cards) There you go, take a look at that, boys.
DEAN
Oh you gotta be kidding me.
SAM
Ed Zeddmore and Harry Spangler? Hellhoundslair.com. You guys run that website.
ED
Yeah.
DEAN
Oh yeah, yeah, we're huge fans.
ED
And ahh, we know who you guys are too.
DEAN and SAM both look at him sharply.
SAM
Oh yeah?
ED
Amateurs. (DEAN immediately loses interest) Looking for ghosts and cheap thrills.
HARRY
Yep. So if you guys don't mind, we're trying to conduct a serious scientific investigation here.
DEAN
Yeah, what have you got so far?
ED
Harry, why doncha tell 'em about EMF?
HARRY
Well...
SAM
(Playing dumb and trying not to smile) EMF?
HARRY
Electromagnetic field? Spectral entities can cause energy fluctuations that can be read with an EMF detector. Like this bad boy right here.
He turns it on. Dean smirks at SAM.
HARRY
Whoa. Whoa. It's 2.8mg.
ED
2.8. It's hot in here.
DEAN whistles in admiration.
SAM
Wow.
DEAN
Huh. So you guys ever really seen a ghost before, or...
ED
Once. We were, uh...we were investigating this old house and we saw a vase fall right off the table...
HARRY
By itself.
ED
Well, we, we we we didn't actually see it, we heard it. And something like that...it uh...it changes you.
DEAN
Yeah. I think I get the picture. We should go, let them get back to work.
ED
Yeah, you should.
DEAN
Sam.
ED
(As SAM and DEAN leave) Yeah, work.
ED
(To HARRY) I'm sorry. That pot we smoked gave me the giggles.
............................
EXTERIOR. PUBLIC LIBRARY.
SAM exits and comes down the stairs as DEAN approaches.
SAM
Hey.
DEAN
Hey. What you got?
SAM
Well I couldn't find a Mordechai but I did find a Martin Murdock who lived in that house in the '30s. He did have children but only two of them, both boys, and there's no evidence he ever killed anyone.
DEAN
Huh.
SAM
What about you?
They have reached the Impala and stand talking over the top of it.
DEAN
Well those kids didn't really give us a clear description of that dead girl but I did hit up the police station. No matching missing persons. It's like she never existed. Dude, come on, we did our digging, man, this one's a bust all right. For all we know those hellHound boys made up the whole thing.
SAM
Yeah all right.
DEAN
I say we find ourself a bar and some beers and leave the legend to the locals.
DEAN gets into the car. SAM leans down, smiling, to look in the window.
DEAN turns the key in the ignition. Latino pop-dance music blasts from the speakers; when Dean tries to turn it off, the wipers turn on. DEAN rears back.
DEAN
WHOA! What the...
He quickly reaches to turn everything off.
SAM gets in, laughing. He licks his finger and marks an imaginary '1' in the air then points to himself.
DEAN
(Giving him a dirty look) That's all you got? Weak. That is bush league.
The impala pulls away.
............................
EXTERIOR. HELL HOUSE. NIGHT.
Two girls and a guy approach the house.
GUY
This is it. The point of no return.
GIRL 1
Why do I have to go in there?
GIRL 2
Because Jill you chose dare. You either have to grab a jar from Mordechai's cellar and bring it back or....
GUY
...or you can make out with me.
JILL
(giving them both a dirty look) I'll take the homicidal ghost, thanks.
She turns on her torch and slowly approaches the house, leaving the other two behind.
GUY
Would you ever take that dare?
GIRL (scoffs)
Hell no!
JILL cautiously moves inside. There is a noise like knives being sharpened.
JILL
Hello? Hello? Is anybody there?
The camera plays over some hanging chicken feet. Jill makes her way to the cellar, looks around, and moves toward the jars. She takes one, but hears a sound, whirls, and drops the jar, panicked.
JILL
Ok. Ok ok ok ok.
She turns and sees Mordechai. He throws a rope around her neck and she screams and keeps screaming as she is hoisted in the air. In the last shot it appears that she is dead.
END ACT ONE
ACT TWO
EXTERIOR. HELL HOUSE. DAWN.
Emergency vehicles and men move around. The girl's body is bought out on a stretcher.
DEAN and SAM approach a man standing outside.
DEAN
What happened?
MAN
A coupla cops say a girl hung herself in the house.
SAM
Suicide?
MAN
Yeah. She was a straight A student, with a full ride to UT too. It just don't make sense.
He walks away.
SAM
Whaddaya think?
DEAN
I think maybe we missed something.
...........................
EXTERIOR. HELL HOUSE. NIGHT.
A police car is parked outside, two cops stand around. SAM and DEAN crouch in the bushes.
SAM
I guess the cops don't want anyone else screwing around in there.
DEAN
Yeah but we still gotta get in there.
DEAN hears whispers and peaks from their hiding place.
DEAN
I don't believe it.
SAM spins to look. ED and HARRY are approaching: hunched over, wearing all sorts of gadgets, whispering and shh-ing each other.
DEAN
I got an idea.
He rises slightly, turns towards the cops and cups a hand to his mouth.
DEAN
Who ya gunna call!
ED and HARRY
Wha...huh?
COP
Hey you!
There is a muddled mixture of voices.
Freeze. Run! Come on! Get back here. Hey!
The cops chase ED and HARRY back down the path. Laughing, SAM and DEAN make a break for the house. Once inside SAM breaks out the rifles, handing one to DEAN. DEAN turns on a flashlight.
DEAN
Where have I seen that symbol before? It's killing me!
SAM
Come on, we don't have much time.
They go down to the basement and look around. DEAN spies the jars and picks one up for a closer look. The pale red liquid sloshes around inside.
DEAN
Hey Sam. I dare you to take a swig of this.
SAM
What the hell would I do that for?
DEAN
.....I double dare you.
SAM just shakes his head, looking away. DEAN grins. A noise has them both on alert and they move toward the cabinet. At DEAN'S nod SAM opens the door. Rats squeak and run from the torchlight.
DEAN
(Lifting his feet) Arghh! I hate rats.
SAM
You'd rather it was a ghost?
DEAN
Yes.
Behind SAM'S head we can see Mordechai has appeared. SAM and DEAN realise at the same time and swing around to see Mordechai raising an axe above his head. SAM shoots him twice but he's still there. DEAN shoots him again and he mists away.
SAM
What the hell kind of spirit is immune to rock salt?
DEAN
I dunno. Come on. Come on come on!
As they run toward the stairs Mordechai smashes his axe down, catching the shelves and bringing the jars crashing down on DEAN. Mordechai and SAM begin fighting.
SAM
Go! Get outta here!!
Mordechai smahes the electrical box and sparks fly everywhere.
SAM and DEAN bolt for the door.
...............................
Outside, ED and HARRY creep back toward the house.
HARRY
(Raising his night vision goggles) Maybe we should just get out of here.
ED
No. Would John Edward go? We've lost the cops, let's find our centre and get some work done. Ok? All right?
As they approach the porch, camera raised, SAM and DEAN burst out. They fall through the emergency tape and roll down the steps, spring immediately to their feet and keep running.
DEAN
Get that damn thing outta my face
SAM
Go go go!
ED and HARRY are still facing the door and see Mordechai lurk.
ED
Sweet Lord...
HARRY
..........of the rings. RUN!!! GO GO GO
They turn to flee...and run straight into the arms of the cops.
HARRY
Look, there's a...look. There's a man over there....I saw....where'd he go?
COPS
(Grabbing their collars) Boys come on.
....................................
INTERIOR. MOTEL ROOM.
DEAN is sitting on the bed drawing the symbol, SAM is reseaching.
DEAN
What the hell is this symbol? It's buggin' the hell outta me. This whole damn job's buggin' me. I thought the legend said Mordechai only goes after chicks.
SAM
It does.
DEAN
All right. Well that explains why he went after you but why me?
SAM
Hilarious! The legend also says he hung himself but did you see those slit wrists?
DEAN
Yeah.
SAM
What's up with that? And the axe too. I mean, ghosts are usually pretty strict right? Following the same patterns over and over again?
DEAN
But this mook keeps changing.
SAM
(clicking away on his laptop) Exactly. I'm telling ya, the way the story goes...wait a minute.
DEAN
What?
SAM
Someone added a new post to the Hell Hound site. Listen to this. 'They say Mordechai Murdock was really a Satanist who chopped up his victims with an axe before slitting his own wrists. Now he's imprisoned in the house for eternity.
Still staring at the symbol he has drawn, DEAN suddenly sits straight up.
SAM
Where the hell is this going?
DEAN
I don't know but I think I might have just figured out where it all started.
.................................
INTERIOR. MUSIC STORE.
Craig is sitting at the counter looking depressed.
DEAN
Hey Craig? Remember us?
CRAIG
Guys, look I'm really not in the mood to answer any of your questions ok?
DEAN
Oh don't worry. We're just here to buy an album, that's all.
DEAN flicks through and picks up an album.
DEAN
(To Sam as they approach the counter) You know I couldn't figure out what that symbol was and then I realised that it doesn't mean anything. It's the logo for the Blue Oyster Cult.
DEAN
(To Craig) Tell me Craig, You into BOC? Or just sacring the hell outta people? Know why don't you tell us about that house...without lying through your ass this time.
CRAIG
(Sighing) All right, um. My cousin Dana was on break from TCU. I guess we were just bored, looking for something to do. So I showed her this abandoned dump I found. We thought it would be funny if we made it look like it was haunted. So we painted symbols on the wall, some from albums, some from some of Dana's theology textbooks. Then we found out this guy Murdock used to live there so...we made up some story to go along with that. So they told people, who told other people. And then these two guys put it on their stupid website. Everything just took on a life of it's own. I mean I thought it was funny at first but...that girl's dead! It was just a joke, you know. I mean, none of it was real, we just made the whole thing up. I swear!
SAM
(Softly) All right.
SAM and DEAN turn to leave.
DEAN
(To Sam) If none of it was real how the hell do you explain Mordechai?
END ACT TWO
ACT THREE
INTERIOR. MOTEL ROOM.
Sounds of the shower running. DEAN enters and walks over to SAM's bed, lifting a packet labelled 'Itching Powder".
DEAN
(calls out) Hey, I'm back.
SAM
(From bathroom) Hey, where were you?
DEAN
Oh, I went out.
DEAN picks up SAM's underwear from the bed and shakes the content of the packet onto it.
SAM
So I think I might have a theory about what's going on.
DEAN
(Still shaking) Oh yeah?
SAM
What if Mordechai is a Tulpa?
DEAN
Tulpa?
SAM
(Emerging from the bathroom) Yeah, a Tibetan thought form.
DEAN
(Swinging around hastily) Ahh, yeah, I know what a Tulpa is. Hey why don't you get dressed, I wanna go grab something to eat.
DEAN enters the bathroom, smiling at SAM as he closes the door. SAM watches then turns to pick up his underwear.
...............................
INTERIOR. EATING HOUSE.
SERVER
There you go gents.
DEAN
(taking their two coffees) Thank you.
They make their way to a table, SAM grimacing and adjusting his jeans.
DEAN
(watching him) Dude what's your problem?
SAM
Nothing, I'm fine.
DEAN
Yeah?
SAM
Yeah.
DEAN
So, ahhh, all right keep going. What about these Tulpas?
SAM
Ok, so there was this incident in Tibet in 1915. Group of monks visualised a golem in their head. The meditated on it so hard they bought the thing to life. Outta thin air.
DEAN
So?
SAM
That was 20 monks. Imagine what 10,000 web surfers could do. I mean Craig starts the story about Mordechai, then it spreads, goes online. Now there are countless people all believing in the bastard.
DEAN
Now wait a second. Are you trying to tell me that just because people believe in Mordechai he's real?
SAM
I dunno, maybe.
DEAN
People believe in Santa Claus, how come I'm not getting hooked up every christmas?
SAM
Cause you're a bad person. And because of this...
SAM turns his laptop, showing DEAN a photo of one of the Hell House symbols.
SAM
That's a Tibetan spirit sigil. On the wall of the house. Craig said they were painting symbols from a theology textbook. I bet they painted this, not even knowing what it was. Now that sigil has been used for centuries, concentrating meditative thoughts like a magnifying glass. So people are on the Hell Hounds website, staring at the symbol, thinking about Mordechai...I mean I don't know, but it might be enough to bring a Tulpa to life.
DEAN
It would explain why he keeps changing.
SAM
(Grimacing and adjusting himself again) Right, as the legend changes, people think different things, so the legend itself changes. Like a game of telephone. That would also explain why the rock salt didn't work.
DEAN
Yeah because he's not a traditional spirit.
SAM
(Still figeting) Yeah.
DEAN
Ok. So why don't we just...uhh. get this spirit sigil thingie off the wall and off the website?
SAM
Well it's not that simple. You see, once Tupla's are created they take on a life of their own.
DEAN
Great. So if he really is a thought form how the hell are we supposed to kill an idea?
SAM
(still itching and adjusting) Well it's not gunna be easy with these guys helping us. Check out their home page.
SAM shows DEAN footage from the previous night.
SAM
Since they've posted the footage their number of hits have quadrupled in the last day alone.
DEAN
Hmph. I got an idea. Come on.
SAM
Where we going?
DEAN
We gotta find a copy store.
They rise to go.
SAM
(itching and jiggling) Man, I think I'm allergic to our soap or something.
DEAN laughs as he walks away.
SAM
You did this?
DEAN continues laughing.
SAM
You're a friggin jerk!
DEAN
Oh yeah.
............................
TRAILER PARK.
ED and HARRY sit in a trailer with all their equipment.
HARRY.
No. No no, forget it. Forget it! I'm not going back in there again.
ED
Harry. Look at me. Right here. Ok? You are a ghost hunter, ok?
HARRY
I know but I've never seen a real ghost before Ed, like a real ghost, an apparition!
ED
This stuff here...this is our ticket to the big time right here. Fame, money, sex. With girls. K? Be brave. WWBD. What. Would. Buffy. Do. huh?
HARRY
(Whispers) What would Buffy do. But Ed, she's stronger than me.
ED
It's ok.
There is a pounding on the door. HARRY jumps a foot in the air and squeals.
HARRY
Who is it!
DEAN
Come on out here guys, we hear you in there.
ED
It's them!
They stick their heads out the door.
DEAN
Ah, would you look at that! Action figures in their original packaging, what a shock.
SAM
Guys, we need to talk.
ED
Yeah, um, sorry guys. We're ahhh, a little bit busy right now.
DEAN
Ok well we'll make it quick. We need you to shut down your website.
ED
(Laughing) Well these guys got us busted last night, spent the night in a holding cell...
HARRY
I had to pee in that cell urinal. In front of people. And I get stage fright.
ED
Why should we trust you guys?
SAM
Look guys. We all know what we saw last night, what's in that house. But now thanks to your website there are thousands of people hearing about Mordechai.
DEAN
That's right which means people are gunna keep showing up at the Hell House, running into him in person, somebody could get hurt.
ED
Yeah, yeah...
HARRY
Ed maybe he's got a point, maybe....
ED
Nope...
HARRY
No.
ED
We have an obligation to our fans, to the truth.
DEAN
Well I have an obligation to kick both your little asses right now.
SAM
Dean, Dean, it's ok.(to ED and HARRY) Hey, just forget it, all right? These guys...probably bitch slap them both, I could probably even tell them that thing about Mordechai...but they still won't help us. Let's just go.
ED and HARRY
Whoa.. whoa...
DEAN
Yeah, you're right.
SAM and DEAN start to walk away, ED and HARRY trailing behind.
ED
What you say about...?
HARRY
Hang on a second here.
ED
Wait...wait.
HARRY
What thing about Mordechai you guys?
DEAN
Don't tell 'em Sam.
SAM
But if they agree to shut the website down Dean.
DEAN
They're not going to do it, you said so yourself.
ED
No wait. Wait. Don't listen to him ok? We'll do it. We'll do it.
DEAN
It's a secret Sam.
SAM
(to ED and HARRY) Look, it is a really big deal all right. And it wasn't easy to dig up. So only if we have your word that you'll shut everything down.
ED
Totally.
SAM
All right.
DEAN hands them some paperwork.
SAM
It's a death certificate. From the '30s. We got it at the library. Now according to the coroner, the actual cause of death was a self-inflicted gun shot wound.
DEAN
That's right he didn't hang or cut himself.
ED
He shot himself?
SAM
Yep. With a .45 pistol. To this day they say he's terrified of them. <
>
DEAN
Matter of fact they say if you shoot him with a .45, loaded with these special wrought-iron rounds it'd kill the son of a bitch.
ED and HARRY snigger gleefully. Ed spins and bolts back toward the trailer, ED follows more slowly.
ED
Harry. Slow your roll buddy. They're gunna know we're excited.
.....................................
INTERIOR. CAFE
SAM and DEAN sit in a booth, SAM looking at his laptop. DEAN reaches up to the 3D artwork of a fisherman holding a big fish and pulls the cord. The fisherman's mouth moves up and down and an extremeley annoying laugh plays.
SAM
(pulling the cord to stop it) If you pull that string one more time I'm gunna kill you.
DEAN, deadpan, stares at SAM while pulling the cord again. Sam immediately stops it, glaring.
DEAN
(snickering) Come on man, you need more laughter in your life. You know you're way too tense.
SAM gives DEAN another dirty look. DEAN sighs.
DEAN
They post it yet?
SAM moves the laptop around so DEAN can see it and stabs at his salad angrily.
DEAN
(Reading) We've learned from reputable sources that Mordechai Murdock has a fatal fear of firearms. All right. How long do we wait?
SAM
Long enough for the new story to spread, and the legend to change. I figure by nightfall iron rounds will work on the sucker.
SAM holds his beer out to DEAN, who lifts his own and taps it.
DEAN
Sweet.
DEAN takes a long drink and SAM starts grinning. DEAN goes to put the bottle down but it is stuck to his hand. SAM cracks up as DEAN stares at it, confused.
DEAN
You didn't.
SAM
(Laughing and holding up super glue) oh, I did!
Dean shakes his hand while SAM reaches to set the fisherman laughing again.
END ACT THREE
ACT FOUR
EXTERIOR. HELL HOUSE. NIGHT.
The two cops are searching the surrounds with their torches.
COP 1
I'm telling ya, I heard something. Coming from over there.
The noise of the fisherman laughing can be heard.
COP 1
See? See? There it is again.
COP 2
What is tha....
They find the fisherman stuck in a tree, laughing.
..............................
INTERIOR. HELL HOUSE.
DEAN and then SAM enter the house on alert, guns drawn, and begin a methodical search, staying back to back. DEAN readjusts his gun hand.
DEAN
(Snarky) I barely have any skin left on my palm.
SAM
I'm not touching that line with a ten foot pole.
DEAN shines his torch in SAM'S face so he winces, then moves into the other room. SAM follows.
DEAN
So you think old Mordechai's home?
SAM
I don't know.
ED
(From behind) Me either.
SAM and DEAN spin, pointing their guns at ED and HARRY.
ED
WHOA!! WHOA!!
SAM
What are you trying to do, get yourself killed?
ED
We're just trying to get a book and movie deal ok?
From the basement comes the sound of knives being sharpened. SAM and DEAN are immediately back on alert.
ED
Oh crap.
ED and HARRY crowd in close behind SAM and DEAN with their camera.
ED
Ah guys, you wanna...you wanna open that door for me?
DEAN
Why don't you?
Mordechai bursts through the door holding an axe and screaming. SAM and DEAN empty their gun chambers. He holds on, then wavers and disappears into mist. SAM and DEAN wait a beat, then take off to ensure the other rooms are clear.
ED
Oh God. He's gone. He's gone.
HARRY
Did you get him?
ED
Yeah they got him.
HARRY
No, on camera, did you get him on camera.
ED
Well I...
HARRY
Let me see it, let me see it.
HARRY takes the camera and flips it open. Mordechai appears, slams his axe through the camera, forcing HARRY to the ground and disappears again.
DEAN runs in.
Hey! Didn't you guys post that B.S story we gave you?
ED
Of course we did.
SAM appears in the other door, gun at the ready.
HARRY
But then our server crashed.
ED
Yeah.
DEAN
So it didn't take?
ED and HARRY
UH...mmm....
DEAN
So these guns don't work.
ED
Yeah.
DEAN
Great. Sam, any ideas?
HARRY
We are getting out of here.
ED
Yeah. Great.
HARRY and ED run past DEAN to the other room, where Mordechai appears again. Screaming, they run to the front door but it is locked. Mordechai follows them.
HARRY
Jesus Mary and Joseph.
ED
The power of christ compels you, the power of christ compels you. THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!!!
SAM
(Behind them) HEY! Come and get it you ugly son of a bitch.
The fight until Mordechai pins SAM against the wall, axe across his throat.
SAM
(To ED and HARRY) Get out of here, now!
ED
We're out of here...
DEAN is in the other room splashing kerosene everywhere. Mordechai lifts SAM off his feet with the pressure of the axe at his throat.
SAM
(Gasping) Dean.
DEAN appears.
HEY!
DEAN holds up a spray bottle and lights the gas, a plume of fire appears.
DEAN
(To SAM) Go go go!
SAM runs past him, DEAN follows, pulling SAM as he stops and leans over, holding his throat.
DEAN
Mordechai can't leave the house, we can't kill him? We improvise.
DEAN holds up his lighter, flicks it, and throws it back into the room. It bursts into flame and the boys run outside.
SAM
That's your solution? Burn the whole damn place to the ground?
DEAN
Well nobody will go in anymore. I mean look, Mordechai can't haunt a house if there's no house to haunt. It's fast and dirty but it works.
SAM
Well what if the legend changes again and Mordechai is allowed to leave the house?
DEAN
Well then we'll just have to come back.
They watch the house burn.
SAM
Kinda makes you wonder. Of all the thing we hunted, how many existed just because people believed in them.
END ACT FOUR
ACT FIVE
SAM and DEAN are hanging out by a picnic table at the trailer park. ED and HARRY approach carrying grocery bags.
HARRY
I was thinking that Mordechai has a really super high attack bonus.
ED
Man I got the munchies right now. (To SAM and DEAN) Gentlemen.
SAM
Hey guys.
HARRY
Should we tell em.
ED
Hey, might as well, you know, they're going to read about it in the trades.
HARRY
So this morning we got a phone call from a very important hollywood producer.
DEAN
Oh yeah, wrong number?
ED
No, smart-ass. He read all about the Hell House on our website and wants to option the motion picture rights. Maybe even have us write it.
The place their grocery bags into a totally overloaded car.
HARRY
And create the RPG.
DEAN
The what?
ED
Role playing game.
DEAN
Right.
ED
A little lingo for you. Excuse us, we're off to la-la land.
SAM
Well congratulations guys. That sounds really great.
DEAN
Yeah. That's awesome, best of luck to you.
ED
Oh yeah, luck. That has nothing to do with it. It's about talent. Sheer unabashed talent.
They all nod at each other.
ED
Later.
They get in the car and start pulling off.
ED
See ya round...
DEAN
(watching them leave) Wow.
SAM
I have a confession to make.
DEAN
What's that.
SAM
I...uh...I was the one that called them and told them I was a producer.
DEAN
(Laughing)Yeah well I'm the one who put the dead fish in their back seat.
The both laugh.
SAM
Truce?
DEAN
Yeah truce. At least for the next 100 miles.
They climb into the Impala and take off.
MUSIC: Blue Öyster Cult – Burnin' for You
END OF ACT FIVE
END OF EPISODE
TRANSCRIPT BY TMATEOTB
