4.05 Monster Movie (transcript)
Written by: Ben Edlund
Directed by: Robert Singer
Air Date: 16 Oct 2008
Contents
TEASER
Pan down from the crescent moon. The Impala drives down a road lined with trees and past a sign saying WELCOME TO PENNSYLVANIA. Lightning flashes, for an instant the sign reads WELCOME TO TRANSYLVANIA.
DEAN
The radio around here sucks.
DEAN turns off the radio.
DEAN
Come on, man. Jobs don't get much sweeter than this, you know? Dead vic with a gnawed-on neck, body drained of blood, and a witness who swears up and down that it was a vampire.
SAM
No, I -- I agree. It's a hell of a case.
DEAN
A little more gusto, please.
SAM
It's just... the world is coming to an end. Things are a little complicated, you know?
DEAN
Yeah, well, we can't save the world, not today anyway. But what we can do is chop off some vamps' heads. Come on, man, it's like the good old days, an honest-to-goodness monster hunt. It's about time the Winchesters got back to tackling a straightforward, black and white case.
ACT ONE
Fade out on the impala. Polka music plays. Pan down over a village where a band is playing in a gazebo. Man takes picture of girl in barmaid costume. Pan to sign reading OKTOBERFEST 2008. SAM and DEAN adjust their suits after exiting the impala and walk forward.
DEAN
We still got to see the new Raiders movie.
SAM
Saw it.
DEAN (incredulous)
Without me?
SAM
You were in Hell.
DEAN
That's no excuse.
DEAN looks off screen.
DEAN
Big pretzel!
SAM smiles and shakes his head.
DEAN takes two pretzels from vendor.
DEAN
Thank you.
DEAN hands SAM a pretzel.
SAM
Thank you.
Both SAM and DEAN take a bite of their pretzels.
JAMIE
Guten tag.
DEAN with his mouth full.
"Guten tag" yourself.
SAM looks over at a man in a Sheriff uniform.
Mmm. Looks like that's our man.
SAM and DEAN walk over to the man.
SAM
Sheriff Dietrich.
SHERIFF DIETRICH
Are you the boys from the fed?
SAM
Agents Angus and Young.
SAM and DEAN show their badges.
SAM
We called ahead about your, uh, problem.
SHERIFF DIETRICH
Right. Um… I'll tell you what, why don't we talk this out away from the crowd, huh?
Cut to MORGUE. Door opens and a body is taken out, covered with a sheet.
SHERIFF DIETRICH draws back the sheet.
SHERIFF DIETRICH
Marissa Wright, 26. Just up from Lockhard for the 'fest. Terrible. Just terrible. It's the last thing this town needs at peak tourist season.
SAM
Definitely the last thing Marissa Wright needed.
DEAN turns the body’s head and sees two dark puncture marks on her neck like a vampire bite.
DEAN
What the hell?
SHERIFF DIETRICH
Yeah, you got me -- I mean this killer's some kind of grade-A wacko, right? I mean, some Satan worshipping, Anne Rice-reading, gothic, psycho vampire wannabe.
DEAN
Sheriff, in your report, you mentioned a witness.
SHERIFF DIETRICH
Yeah, I wished I didn't. But our witness insisted. That's Ed Brewer. Not exactly what you'd call reliable.
EXT. Bar with waitresses dressed in Oktoberfest costumes. SAM and DEAN walk to the bar. JAMIE hands two beer glasses to LUCY, another waitress.
JAMIE
I remember you.
DEAN
And I remember you...
DEAN looks at her name badge
DEAN
Jamie. I never forget a pretty... everything.
SAM
We're looking for Ed Brewer.
JAMIE
What do you want with Ed?
DEAN
Well, we are uh... federal agents.
SAM and DEAN show their badges.
DEAN
Mr. Brewer was witness to a serious crime. We just need to -
JAMIE
Wait a minute. You're a fed? Wow, you don't come on like a fed. Seriously?
DEAN leans towards her.
DEAN
I'm a maverick, ma'am. A rebel with a badge. One thing I don’t play by: the rules.
DEAN winks.
SAM
Okay, maverick. Um, so where can we find Mr. Brewer?
SAM and DEAN are sitting across from ED BREWER at a table. ED BREWER uncaps his beer stein and drinks.
ED BREWER
I told the cops everything I saw. No one believes me. Why should you be any different?
DEAN
Believe me, Mr. Brewer, we're different.
BREWER
I spoke the God’s honest truth. And now I’m the town joke.
SAM
Marissa Wright’s murder is no joke to us. And we want to hear everything, no matter how strange it may seem.
DEAN
We have a lot of experience with strange.
BREWER uncaps the beer stein and drink again.
BREWER
It was just after midnight. I just left here, and like I do every night, I cut through the park on the way home. At first, I thought it was a couple kissing. But she was... struggling too much. And this man, he was -- well, he was biting her neck.
SAM
Can you describe her assailant?
BREWER
Oh, he was a vampire.
DEAN
Okay, right. And by that, you mean –
BREWER
You know, a vampire.
DEAN
Uh huh.
BREWER
Yeah.
DEAN
So, he looked like –
BREWER
He looked like a vampire. You know, with the fangs and the slicked back hair and the fancy cape and the little medallion thingy on the ribbon.
DEAN
You mean like a Dracula?
BREWER
Exactly, like a Dracula. Right down to the accent.
SAM
The accent?
BREWER
Yep.
SAM
What did he say?
BREWER
You know, something like…
BREWER raises his arm over his face as if he has a cape on.
BREWER
Stay away, mortal! The night is mine!
You do believe me, don't you?
Cut to JAMIE and LUCY at the bar.
JAMIE
They must be here following up on that murdered woman.
LUCY
Crazy Ed and his vampire story.
JAMIE
He might be weird, but he's not crazy.
LUCY
Look, you're just saying that ‘cause the guy has a crush on you and he tips you in 20’s.
LUCY blots her lips on a napkin and leaves it on the bar.
VOICE OFF STAGE
Lucy!
LUCY exits.
DEAN walks up to the bar.
DEAN
So, you got a beer back there for me?
JAMIE
I don't know, Agent Young, you off duty?
DEAN
And then some.
SAM comes up and picks up the napkin with LUCY’s lipstick print on it. They lean against the bar facing the room.
DEAN
So, what do you think? Goth, psycho, vampire wannabe, right?
SAM
Definitely not our kind of case.
DEAN
Agreed. But who cares?
SAM and DEAN walk toward a table.
DEAN
Room's paid for, and it's Oktoberfest. Come on, brother. Beer and bar wenches.
SAM and DEAN take a seat at a table.
SAM
Pretty sure women today don't react well to the whole "wench" thing, Dean.
DEAN calls out to JAMIE.
Hey, bar wench, where's that beer?
JAMIE
Coming up, good sir!
DEAN
Dude, Oktoberfest.
JAMIE
There you go.
JAMIE turns to SAM.
JAMIE
What can I get you?
DEAN
Oh, he doesn't drink. He's a Christian scientist. Doesn't even take aspirin. He's a real drag on stakeouts.
JAMIE laughs.
You're funny.
DEAN
I'm a lot more than that. I'd love to get a chance to show you the rest. What time you get off?
JAMIE
Ha ha. Like I said, "funny."
JAMIE walks off.
DEAN
Man, it is time to right some wrongs.
SAM
Come again?
DEAN
Look at me. I mean, I came back from the furnace without any of my old scars, right? No bullet wounds, knife cuts, none of the off-angled fingers from all the breaks. I mean, my hide is as smooth as a baby's bottom. Which leads me to conclude, sadly... that my virginity is intact.
SAM
What?
DEAN
I have been re-hymenated.
DEAN takes a drink.
SAM
Re--?
SAM laughs.
SAM
Please. Dean, maybe angels can pull you out of hell, but no one could do that.
DEAN
Brother, I have been re-hymenated. And the dude will not abide.
SAM
All right, dude. Well, you go do whatever you got to do, and I'm gonna go back to the room and get some sleep.
SAM gets up and leaves.
DEAN walks back to the bar.
DEAN
So? How about tonight?
JAMIE
Oh, sorry. I promised Lucy a girls' night out.
DEAN glances over at LUCY.
JAMIE
Besides, no self-respecting bar wench lets herself get picked up by a customer on the first try.
DEAN
Well, I'm not a customer. I'm a federal agent.
JAMIE
Try again tomorrow, G-Man.
DEAN
I wish I could. I don't think we're staying on the case.
JAMIE
What? Is it too weird for you?
DEAN
Not weird enough.
ACT TWO
EXT. Car parked in secluded spot. The night of a full moon. It is foggy. Owl hoots. A couple is kissing in a car.
ANNA-MARIE
Rick. Did you hear that?
RICK
What?
ANNA-MARIE
It sounded like a wolf.
RICK
Come on, Marie, don't change the subject. I told you what could happen to a man if he doesn't --
ANNA-MARIE
Those stories aren't true.
RICK
They are. Baby, if a man doesn't get the stuff out of his system regularly, it can back up and cause all kinds of... medical type problems.
There is a shadow of hands, then a monster’s shadow on the car. ANNA-MARIE and RICH are kissing.
ANNA-MARIE
Shh, do you hear that?
RICK
Anna-Marie, there aren't any wolves in Pennsylvania.
A WEREWOLF breaks the window and pulls RICK out.
ANNA-MARIE screams.
EXT. The next day SAM and DEAN sit across from ANNA-MARIE at an outside table.
ANNA-MARIE is slurping loudly from a large cup. SAM and DEAN exchange a look.
ANNA-MARIE
And then it just -- it just tore Rick into little pieces.
DEAN
Ma'am, we understand how hard this is, but can you describe the creature?
ANNA-MARIE
Oh. It was a werewolf.
SAM
A werewolf?
ANNA-MARIE
Mhm.
SAM
You're sure?
ANNA-MARIE
Oh, yeah. With the furry face, and the black nose, and the claws and… and the the torn up pants and shirt. Like from the old movies.
SAM
Um...
DEAN
Well, okay, so... Thank you for your time.
SAM and DEAN get up and leave.
EXT. The morgue.
DEAN
First a Dracula and now a full on movie time Wolf Man? What the hell is going on in this town?
SAM opens one of the storage drawers and pulls out a body. He unzips the body bag. SAM and DEAN are disgusted at the smell.
DEAN
Damn!
SAM
All right. Whatever did this wasn't a psycho wannabe.
SAM pulls out some shredded flesh from the corpse with a pencil.
SAM
Look at those bite marks. Right down to the bone... and deeper.
DEAN
Strong enough to tear a healthy man apart limb from limb. Could be a werewolf.
SAM
Yeah, except, look. The heart's still there in one piece. They never leave the heart behind.
DEAN
Thus I reiterate -- what the hell is going on?
The SHERIFF enters the morgue.
SHERIFF
Well, I was hoping you boys could tell me. I just got a rush job back from the lab on those fibres we found on the body.
The SHERIFF pulls out a plastic bag from an envelope.
SHERIFF
Canine. Wolf hairs.
DEAN
I'm getting a headache.
EXT. The bar.
SAM and DEAN are sitting at a table eating.
DEAN
I don't know, man. Looks like we've stumbled onto a midnight showing of Dracula meets Wolf Man. Is that it?
SAM
I don't know. I mean, Wolf Man seems real enough. Makes Dracula seem a little less impossible, I guess.
DEAN
Yeah, but werewolves don't grow wolf hair. That's just a myth.
SAM
Yeah.
DEAN
So, what? We've got a vampire and a werewolf monster mashing this town?
JAMIE brings over another round of beer for SAM and DEAN.
JAMIE
Looks like you guys are staying a while. I heard about Rick Deacon.
DEAN
Yeah, this case just got weird enough for our department.
JAMIE
Well, beers are on me. And, just so you know, I get off at midnight tonight.
DEAN
Oh, it's not another, uh, girls' night out?
JAMIE
Doesn't have to be.
DEAN
Okay, then. I'll see you tonight.
JAMIE
Okay, then.
JAMIE leaves.
DEAN
Hey, you think this Dracula could turn into a bat? That would be cool.
ACT THREE
EXT. Museum at night time. Pan over sign that reads, “CANONSBURG MUSEUM OF AMERICAN HISTORY.” Inside, a guard is talking on a cell phone.
GUARD
Sorry to bother you. Yes, I do know what time it is… I was just wondering if you were expecting a delivery of some kind? I don’t know. Well, it looks old. That's right. Yeah, an Egyptian kind of deal. No, it was just sitting there on the loading dock. No, Doctor, there's no shipping invoice. There's no nothing.
The lid on the sarcophagus begins to move.
GUARD
I don't know when it was delivered, it was here when I clocked in tonight. I thought you’d know what to do. Think Helen has any record of it in her files?
The GUARD turns and see a mummy rising from the sarcophagus, he stumbles backward as the mummy leaves the sarcophagus and begins moving toward him.
GUARD
Holy mother of crap!
The GUARD shoots the mummy. It grabs his throat and lifts him up against the wall. The GUARD chokes as the mummy strangles him.
CUT to the museum later on. The police are moving around. The SHERIFF is seen talking to his men. SAM and DEAN investigate the sarcophagus.
SAM
This sarcophagus isn't ancient.
SAM holds up a tag that reads, “THE FX SHOP PROPHOUSE PHILDADELPHIA, PA.”
SAM
It's from a prop house in Philly.
DEAN
Well... it goes well with the bucket of dry ice he was keeping in it.
DEAN lifts up a small bucket of dry ice from inside the sarcophagus.
SAM
Is he making his own special effects?
DEAN
Yeah, a mummy with a good sense of showmanship.
SAM
This is stupid.
DEAN
Oh, damn it. Jamie. I'm late. You're good here with the mummy and the... crazy?
SAM
Yeah.
DEAN
Yeah.
DEAN leaves in a hurry.
JAMIE is standing outside the bar, looking at her watch.
JAMIE
Your loss, G-Man.
JAMIE starts walking away. She hears something behind her and turns around to see DRACULA.
DRACULA
Good evening.
JAMIE starts to run and DRACULA follows her.
DRACULA
I have watched you for many nights from afar. My passion knows no bounds, Mina!
JAMIE fumbles in her purse.
DRACULA
You are the reincarnation of my beloved, and I must have you.
JAMIE sprays DRACULA in the face with pepper spray and runs.
DRACULA
Mary, son of a...
DRACULA runs after JAMIE.
DEAN
Jamie!
JAMIE crashes into DEAN.
DEAN turns and sees DRACULA.
DEAN
Son of a bitch.
DRACULA
You should not use such language in the presence of my bride.
DEAN pauses.
DEAN
Okay.
DEAN punches DRACULA. They fight.
DEAN
Jamie, run!
DRACULA
You have no choice in the matter, Mr. Harker. Mina is mine.
DRACULA tries to bite DEAN. DEAN rips off DRACULA’s ear. He flees. DEAN pursues. DRACULA leaps over a gate and escapes on a moped.
INTERMISSION
ACT FOUR
EXT. Back at the bar. JAMIE and DEAN are sitting at a table. SAM walks over to them.
SAM
Hey. You guys all right?
DEAN
Yeah, I think so. And I think I know what's going on.
DEAN puts a folded towel on the table.
SAM
Yeah?
DEAN
Part of it, at least.
SAM opens the towel. DRACULA’s ear is inside.
SAM
Uh, the ear part?
DEAN
Ripped it off of Dracula's head. Touch it.
SAM touches the ear.
SAM
Ugh.
DEAN
Feel familiar to you?
SAM
Oh, man.
DEAN
Skin of a shapeshifter. Just like St. Louis and just like Milwaukee. Of course this one's all holding buckets of crazy. Oh, and, uh...
DEAN takes out a medallion from his pocket and gives it to SAM.
DEAN
This, I uh, pulled it off during the fight. Look at the label on the ribbon.
SAM looks at the label. It reads, “THE FX SHOP PROPHOUSE PHILADELPHIA, PA.”
SAM
It's a costume rental.
DEAN
All three monsters - the Dracula, Wolf Man, and the mummy -- all the same critter, which means we need to catch this freak before he Creature From the Black Lagoons somebody.
JAMIE
So, you guys are like Mulder and Scully or something, and The X-Files are real?
DEAN
No, The X-Files is a TV show. This is real.
JAMIE
Oh.
SAM
Okay, so, the stagecraft, the costuming… it's like he's trying to re-enact his favorite monster movie moments, right down to the bloody murders.
JAMIE
Wait a second. Who the hell is Mina?
SAM
Mina?
DEAN
Yeah. That's what he called Jamie. And he called me Mr. Harker.
SAM
Jonathan Harker? They're characters from the movies and the novels -- Mina, Dracula's intended bride, Harker the fiancé that stands in the way. Seems like he's fixating on you, like he sees you as his bride.
JAMIE
Wow. Lucky me.
SAM
But to fixate on you, my guess is that the shifter has to have seen you before or been around you.
DEAN
Jamie, has anybody strange come to town, somebody that has taken a specific notice of you?
JAMIE
I don't know, Dean. It's Oktoberfest. I'm a bartender. There's lots of people. I... wait a second. There is Ed.
SAM
"Ed Brewer" Ed?
JAMIE
Yeah. He moved here about a month ago. Lucy swears he has a crush on me. He comes in almost every night. But, you know, I don't think he's the type of guy –
DEAN
Where does Ed live?
JAMIE
I don't know. But he works at the old movie theater. I think he's the projectionist there.
SAM
Take care of Mina?
DEAN
Yep.
SAM leaves.
JAMIE is pacing in front of the booth Dean is sitting in.
JAMIE
So, monsters are real.
DEAN
Some of them, yeah.
JAMIE
And the shapeshifter, he can turn into different people.
DEAN
Yeah. Yeah, except this one's turning into the great monsters of screenland, which is a new one for me.
JAMIE
You're not really FBI, are you?
DEAN
Not so much.
JAMIE
So, this is what you do? You and your partner just tramp across the country on your own dime until you find some horrible nightmare to fight?
DEAN
Some people paint.
JAMIE
Wow.
DEAN
What?
JAMIE
That must suck. I mean, you're giving up your life for this terrible... I don't know, responsibility.
DEAN
Last few years, I started thinking that way, and, uh, it started sort of weighing on me. Of course, that was before... A little while ago, I had this – let’s call it a near-death experience. Very near.
JAMIE sits down next to DEAN.
DEAN
And, uh, when I came to... things were different. My life's been different. I realize that I help people. Not just help them, though. I save them. I guess it's -- it's awesome. It's kind of like a gift... like a mission. Kind of like a... a mission from God.
JAMIE
So, does that make you... some kind of monk or something? You know, celibate?
DEAN
Man, I hope not.
DEAN and JAMIE kiss.
LUCY turns the lights on and they break apart.
LUCY
Holy crap. Oh, my god. Jamie. Guys, I'm -- I'm sorry. I thought you guys were going out.
JAMIE
Lucy, it's -- it's okay. Uh, listen –
LUCY
You know what? I just -- I came to borrow a bottle. I kind of got something going back at my... Anyway, uh, you guys look really busy, so I'm just gonna get out of your hair.
JAMIE
No, seriously, Lucy, it's been a crazy night. Stay for a drink.
DEAN
Yeah. Stay for a drink.
EXT. The movie theatre. PHANTOM OF THE OPERA is showing. Organ music swells as SAM walks in. SAM checks the clip in his gun then walks towards a shadow of a man playing an organ. ED BREWER switches the music to something happy.
BREWER turns around in surprise.
Whoa!
SAM pushes him against the organ and holds him at gun point.
BREWER
You, FBI man -- What did I –
SAM
Shut up, okay, you know what you did.
BREWER
What?
SAM
I know what you are.
BREWER
I'm not anything. I just like to play the Casio.
SAM
Had time to grow the ear back, huh?
BREWER
What?!
SAM pulls on BREWER’S ear. BREWER screams in pain.
SAM
It's supposed to come off.
BREWER
No, it's not!
EXT. Back at the bar. DEAN, JAMIE and LUCY are all sitting around the table.
LUCY
Oh, that sounds awful. Jamie, honey, are you okay?
JAMIE
Oh, I am fine. He didn't even touch me. Dean, he just blew right in and fought him off.
DEAN
Well, I didn't actually fly, but I'm sure it seemed that way at the time.
LUCY blots her lipstick on a napkin.
JAMIE
It was really, really something.
DEAN
Jamie?
LUCY
So, Dean, are you like a black belt or what?
DEAN looks at his glass, it swims before his eyes.
LUCY
Well, I guess they train you to fight at the academy or whatever.
DEAN leans across and punches LUCY. He pushes JAMIE out of the way.
JAMIE
Dean, what are you doing?
JAMIE passes out, falling back down into the booth.
DEAN
It's you, isn't it?
LUCY pushes her jaw back into place. DEAN kicks her again.
DEAN
Oh, damn it! What did you put in our drinks?!
DEAN smashes a bottle on the edge of table.
DEAN
That's all right. I'll skin you myself.
DEAN passes out.
LUCY
And… scene.
ACT FIVE
EXT. A dungeon. DEAN is unconscious and strapped to an upright table wearing lederhosen.
DEAN wakes up.
DEAN
Oh, come on.
DEAN looks at a portrait of a woman’s face on the wall which resembles LUCY.
DRACULA
She is beautiful, no? Bride number three from the first film. She never got the acclaim that she deserved. Which is why I chose her shape, her form, to move among the mortals unnoticed. To listen to the cricket songs of the living. That is when I discovered my bride had been reborn in this century.
DEAN
I can't get over what a pumpkin-pie-eyed, crazy son of a bitch you really are. You're not Dracula! You get that, right? Or even if you think you are Dracula, what the hell's up with the mummy?!
DRACULA punches DEAN in the face.
DRACULA
I am all monsters!
DEAN
Life ain't a movie, you sorry sack of –
DRACULA punches DEAN again.
DEAN
Aah.
DRACULA
Life is small. Meagre. Messy. The movies are grand, simple, elegant. I have chosen elegance.
DEAN
You think "elegance" is really the word for what you did to Marissa, or Rick Deacon, or any of the others?!
DRACULA
But of course. It is a monster movie, after all.
DEAN
You do realize what happens at the end of every monster movie?
DRACULA
Ah, but this movie is mine. And in it, the monster wins. The monster gets the girl. And the hero, he’s... electrocuted. And tonight, Jonathan Harker, you will be my hero.
DRACULA puts his hand on a large lever on the wall. DEAN chuckles nervously.
DEAN
W-w-wait, wait, wait.
DEAN struggles to escape.
The doorbell rings.
DRACULA
Please, excuse me.
DRACULA leaves. Cut to DRACULA walks through a modern looking hallway. The doorbell rings again. DRACULA opens the door and a pizza boy is standing outside.
DRACULA
Good evening.
DELIVERY BOY
Uh… pizza delivery.
DRACULA
Ah, you've brought a repast. Excellent. Continue to be of such service, and your life will be spared.
DELIVERY BOY
Uh huh.
The DELIVERY BOY pulls out pizza from his bag and holds it out.
DELIVERY BOY
That'll be $15.50.
DRACULA
Tell me...
DELIVERY BOY
Yeah?
DRACULA
...is there garlic on this pizza?
DELIVERY BOY
I don't know. Did you order garlic?
DRACULA
No!
DELIVERY BOY
Then no. Look, mister, I got four other deliveries to make. You want to just pay me the money so I can go?
DRACULA
Of course, yes, but I have a coupon.
EXT. Back at the bar. SAM enters and walks around. He takes out his cell phone and calls DEAN.
SAM
Dean, hey listen. Uh, Ed is not our guy. Um, I'm guessing you're at home with Jamie, so just give me a call, okay?
SAM hangs up. He looks down and sees the broken bottle on the floor, and the napkin with LUCY’S lipstick on it.
SAM
Lucy.
EXT. A bedroom in DRACULA’s house. JAMIE is lying on the bed. She wakes up.
DRACULA
You wake.
DRACULA gestures to a white satin dress hanging by the bed.
DRACULA
The gown. It suits your beauty. Please, put it on.
JAMIE
Where am I? What have you done with Dean?
DRACULA
Harker is resting elsewhere. Please, put on the gown and you may dine. We are having pizza.
JAMIE
What?! What is wrong with you? You made up Lucy, right? Pretended to be my friend.
DRACULA
I needed to know if you were the one.
JAMIE
You could try talking to people! But instead you become this?
DRACULA
The gown.
JAMIE
I don’t want to play your stupid game, okay?! I just -- I just want to go home.
DRACULA yells.
Put on the gown!
EXT. The front door of DRACULA’s house. SAM picks the lock and he enters, holding his gun at the ready.
EXT. The bedroom. JAMIE is now wearing the gown.
DRACULA
I-I scared you. You’re the only one I don’t want to scare. I used to love the movies.
JAMIE
They aren't real. You can’t make them real.
DRACULA
"Real" is being born this way. Different. "Real" is having your dad call you "monster" -- it's the first time you hear the word. And he tries to beat you to death with a shovel. Everywhere I ran, everywhere I tried to hide, people found me, dragged me out, attacked me. Called me "freak," called me "monster." Then I found them. The great monsters. In their movies, they were strong. They were feared. They were beautiful. And now I am like them. Commanding. Terrifying.
JAMIE
Lonely.
DRACULA
Was lonely. Now I -- I have you.
JAMIE
Ever think that maybe you're lonely because you kill people?
DRACULA
Or I kill people because I’m lonely.
There is the sound of something being knocked over in the next room.
DRACULA
Did you hear that?
JAMIE
What? Dean? Dean?!
DRACULA hits her, knocking her out.
EXT. The dungeon. DEAN is still trapped. SAM enters.
DEAN
Oh, thank God. Just in the nick of time. That guy was about to Frankenstein me.
SAM unties DEAN.
SAM
Hey there, Hansel.
DEAN
Shut up!
DEAN gestures for SAM to kick down the door. SAM puts his foot through the door, punching a hole in it. The entire door falls flat off its hinges.
SAM
Let's go.
EXT. The bedroom. SAM opens the door and crosses to JAMIE lying on the bed. DRACULA intercepts him from behind and throws him through the wall.
DRACULA
You will never be Van Helsing!
DEAN attacks him. They fight.
DRACULA
And you, Harker, now you die.
DEAN
How 'bout now you shut the hell up?
DEAN is thrown to the ground, DRACULA raises his arms, about to go in for the kill. He is shot in the chest.
DRACULA
Silver?
DRACULA turns to see JAMIE holding the gun.
DRACULA
It was beauty that killed the beast. No, Mina, do not weep.
DRACULA falls into a chair.
DRACULA
Perhaps this is how the movie should end.
DRACULA dies in the chair.
EXT. The town square. DEAN and JAMIE are kissing.
JAMIE
Well, thank you, G-Man. You have been a great service to your country.
DEAN
Oh, yes, I'm very, very patriotic.
SAM is standing behind DEAN. DEAN looks over his shoulder at him. SAM smiles tensely. DEAN turns back to JAMIE.
DEAN
Bye.
JAMIE
Bye.
DEAN and SAM begin to walk away.
JAMIE
You guys saved my life, you know? So, thanks.
JAMIE leaves.
SAM
I like her.
DEAN
Feels good to be back on the job, doesn't it?
SAM
Yeah, it does.
DEAN
The hero gets the girl, monster gets the gank. All in all, happy ending -- with a happy ending, no less.
SAM
Real classy, Dean.
DEAN
Hey, all I'm saying is the shifter man had a point, you know? It would be nice if life was movie simple. Although, if I was turning life into a movie, I wouldn't do this Abbott and Costello meet the monster crap.
SAM
Yeah, no. I know what you’d pick.
DEAN
No, you don't.
SAM
Yeah, I do.
DEAN
No. You don't. You don't!
SAM
Porky's II.
DEAN
What?
SAM
You heard me.
DEAN
Lucky guess.
DELETED SCENE 1
(Deleted Scene 6 - Sam and Dean walking to the pub)
EXT. Oktoberfest. SAM and DEAN walk through the crowded festivities.
DEAN
What the hell was that?
SAM
Got me. Every vamp we ever dropped tore into throats like a shark on a seal.
DEAN
Yeah, what's with the dainty two-hole bite?
SAM
Maybe the sheriff's right, maybe it's not supernatural, just some human sicko.
DEAN
Yeah, maybe... (gets distracted by a passing woman) That place looks fun.
SAM
Yeah, later.
Camera pans up to the "BAVARIAN TAVERN" sign.
DELETED SCENE 2
(Deleted Scene 18 - Sam and Dean watch mummy on a security camera)
INT. Security office.
SAM and DEAN are watching security footage of a GUARD shooting at an approaching mummy on a TV screen.
DEAN
So, we got a Dracula, a Wolf Man, and a mummy?
SAM nods.
DEAN
Just wanna keep track.
